QUEEN
Snow, where are you? I've left you three voicemail messages.
SNOW
What do u want Betty?
QUEEN
I wish you'd call me Mother.
I didn't see you at lunch. Where are you?
SNOW
And ur so controlling, God. Leave me alone.
QUEEN
I'm just concerned, dear. It's nearly dark.
You're not out in the woods, are you?
QUEEN
Snow? Answer me, please.
QUEEN
I'm calling you now.
QUEEN
Peter, I need you to do something for me.
HUNTSMAN
Yes, your Highness.
QUEEN
The princess is out again god knows where.
She's not answering my calls.
QUEEN
Please find her and bring her home.
I'm very worried.
HUNTSMAN
Of course, Your Highness. Right away.
QUEEN
She may not be too willing to go with you.
Please do whatever is necessary for her to comply.
HUNTSMAN
I will do so immediately.
QUEEN
Snow, where are you? Please call me back.
QUEEN
Why did you run away? I sent Peter to fetch you and bring you back home.
QUEEN
He said you attacked him and ran away.
SNOW
Ough, y is that creepy guy being so dramatic.
SNOW
I didn't "attack" him, ok?
QUEEN
You kicked him between his legs. How could you?
QUEEN
We should be grateful he's not suing.
SNOW
He tried to sling me over his horse!
Like I was a sack of flour or something.
SNOW
And he tried to grab me. Broke the chain of my favourite heart locket.
QUEEN
If only you hadn't made a fuss. You left him no choice.
QUEEN
Your locket is here. Peter brought it home.
QUEEN
I know your father gave you that locket, and how much it means to you.
QUEEN
Now please come home. Prince James will be paying us a visit tonight.
SNOW
Ought, that perv. No thanks.
QUEEN
He is the crown prince of his kingdom. And he wishes to make you his princess.
SNOW
No way. That sicko keeps trying to put me to sleep.
SNOW
Once, he slipped a roofie in my drink.
SNOW
If I didn't see him, who knows what unspeakable things he could have done to me while I was unconscious.
QUEEN
Now, Snow. The prince may have peculiar tastes, but he's royalty. They're always a bit eccentric.
SNOW
Probably all that inbreeding.
QUEEN
Well, luckily, his only unmarried cousin has dropped dead from the consumption.
QUEEN
Now he has to find a bride from among the neighbouring kingdoms. That's you, my dear.
QUEEN
Your father would have been so proud.
SNOW
Well, my dearly departed Father will have to be disappointed this time.
SNOW
No way am I marrying that sicko.
QUEEN
Snow, please. If that's how you feel, at least come home so we can discuss it.
SNOW
What's there to discuss? I'm not marrying him. Period.
QUEEN
He will be our guest for the next three days. At least try to be nice.
SNOW
Ough no. Why do you think I don't want to be home right now?
QUEEN
Snow, as your stepmother and queen, I order you to come home this instant.
SNOW
Fat chance. Bye stepmother. I'm off to a party.
SNOW
Yeah. Lydia's boyfriend's bandmate's friends are having a little thing in a cottage somewhere.
QUEEN
I knew that girl was a bad influence on you.
SNOW
OMG Lydia where are you?
LYDIA
Hey babe. Where u at?
SNOW
I'm at the party, you moron. You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
LYDIA
Sorry, babe. Eric and I had a fight. Then we made up.
LYDIA
And then we made up again.
LYDIA
I was just sharing. Cuz ur my best friend and all.
SNOW
Why don't you just send me the sex tape and get it over with. Ough.
LYDIA
Y u so uptight tonight?
SNOW
Because I'm surrounded by short hairy men who keep trying to look up my skirt, that's why.
SNOW
You said Eric's bandmate's friends were cute.
LYDIA
Don't be a bitch. They're just height-challenged, okay? And they're called dwarves.
SNOW
I don't care. Get me out of here.
LYDIA
Uh, babe, not sure when we can swing by. Eric's asleep.
SNOW
Stepmother, I've been trying to call you for HOURS.
QUEEN
Oh sorry, dear. Been busy.
SNOW
I've decided I want to go home now.
SNOW
Yeah. So if you could just have Peter come find me somewhere in the North side of the woods, that would be great.
QUEEN
That's all right, dear. There's no rush.
SNOW
What?? I thought you wanted me home?
QUEEN
I do! Of course I do.
QUEEN
But things are going really well here right now.
SNOW
What the hell is going on.
QUEEN
Well, remember that half-starved waif Peter found in the woods the other day?
SNOW
The one who kept falling asleep? Ough, yes.
SNOW
Once she pricked her finger on a fork and fell headfirst into her soup.
SNOW
Her snoring is even worse than Father's.
SNOW
Hang on. What does she have to do with anything?
QUEEN
Her name is Aurora. And as it turns out, she's a princess too!
QUEEN
Yes. Imagine that! She had been cursed by an evil fairy when she was a baby.
QUEEN
Oh yes. Prince James is quite taken by her.
QUEEN
I do remember you saying you didn't want him.
SNOW
That doesn't mean you can give that poor girl to him!
SNOW
Did you miss the part where I told you he's practically a necrophile?
QUEEN
I don't know what that is, darling. But he will be king someday. King!
SNOW
Mother, I'm cold and hungry. And it's dark.
SNOW
Please come get me now.
QUEEN
I'm sorry, dear. But Peter refuses to have anything to do with you now.
QUEEN
It's your own fault. You kicked him in a very delicate area.
SNOW
So what? He's your servant. He will do anything you say.
QUEEN
I don't want to upset him. The Prince has just made him his BFF.
QUEEN
Oh, NOW I'm your mother eh?
QUEEN
Do you realise the only thing that's kept Prince James's kingdom from invading ours was your betrothal?
SNOW
I'm sorry. Will you please have someone get me now?
SNOW
Send the cook or something. I don't care who.
QUEEN
All right. But when you get back here, you're not to show your face in front of our guests.
QUEEN
We found the prince his bride. We just need to keep him on our good side.
QUEEN
Say, Princess Anne will be needing a ladies' maid for her trip to James's kingdom.
QUEEN
You can do that, can't you? Brush her hair. Get her dressed?
