Rash
please god somebody help me
Cellular Wireless
Thank you for contacting Celluland Wireless!
Cellular Wireless
My name is Topher and I’m happy to be your service representative today.
Cellular Wireless
Before we begin, may I please just have your member service number?
Rash
i dont have my member service number
Rash
this is an emergency message please im alone and freezing
Cellular Wireless
Hold on just a second there sir. I can’t do anything to assist you until you’ve given me your member number.
Cellular Wireless
Can we just start with that?
Rash
jesus christ you dont get it do you
Rash
im alone in the middle of the woods
Rash
my tour group is nowhere in site
Rash
i need someone to relay my location to emergency services
Cellular Wireless
Sorry, I was on the line with another customer
Cellular Wireless
One that provided me with their member service number, in fact...
Rash
please i dont know my member services number can you please just send me some help?
Rash
cant you pull up my location from my device??
Cellular Wireless
Sir, this is a member services line. We don’t provide emergency rescue...
Cellular Wireless
least of all to people who are unable to provide their member service number.
Cellular Wireless
May I suggest that you contact the appropriate authorities?
Rash
please you gotta help me
Cellular Wireless
Ah! That’s because Celluland Wireless has the best coverage in the entire North American continent.
Cellular Wireless
Did you know that we’re the only service providers above the 65th Parallel?
Rash
YES I KNOW ABOUT YOUR STUPID ARCTIC COVERAGE THING
Rash
THAT’S WHY IM TEXTING YOU
Rash
i fell off of my sled during a northern lights dogsled tour and am alone
Rash
and freezing and lost in the woods somewhere south of barrow, alaska
Cellular Wireless
Ah yes, Barrow. We have seven cellular service towers in Barrow!
Cellular Wireless
That’s more than PG Wireless has above the entire 60th parallel combined!
Rash
i dont care about your service can you please just get me some help??
Rash
can you please help me?
Cellular Wireless
There’s no need to get snippy.
Cellular Wireless
I’ll tell you what. Usually I don’t do this, but if you provide me with your first and last name...
Cellular Wireless
I can look up your old service plan and get your member number from there.
Cellular Wireless
Your first name is “Rash?”
Cellular Wireless
As in “skin rash?”
Cellular Wireless
...like “diaper rash?”
Cellular Wireless
Your name is “Rash Gilbert?”
Rash
YES THATS MY F*#$^# NAME!!!
Rash
your name is topher or something? what kind of a stupid name is that??
Rash
just get me some help now topher i am freezing in the woods and it is dark and it is cold.
Rash
i need to get out of here ASAP
Rash
hello topher? are you still there?
Rash
topher im sorry i didnt mean it
Rash
youre right rash is an unusual name
Rash
topher is a nice name. now can you please just get someone to help me?
Cellular Wireless
Hello Mr. Gilbert. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Cellular Wireless
It can be very difficult to find people’s member account if they only provide us with their name.
Cellular Wireless
That’s alright Mr. Gilbert. I’m used to dealing with frustrated members on this line.
Rash
topher im in a life and death situation
Cellular Wireless
Most customers frequently think they are. I find it helps to take a deep breath and count to ten.
Rash
topher can you please just send search and rescue my way
Cellular Wireless
One moment please, Mr. Gilbert. I’ve found your member account, but I’m seeing that you’ve discontinued service with us.
Cellular Wireless
Why is that?
Rash
does it seriously matter??
Rash
i couldnt get you guys to stop sending me those stupid CWTips messages
Cellular Wireless
Ah! So you knew about our Arctic data coverage then?
Rash
and about your stupid humane society frequencies
Cellular Wireless
Who’s your current service provider?
Cellular Wireless
You’re lucky that your signal isn’t interfering with any migratory birds that far north.
Cellular Wireless
You might want to take refuge somewhere in case they start attacking you.
Cellular Wireless
You saw the CWTip about our bird-friendly frequencies, right?
Rash
i didnt care and i couldnt unsubscribe
Cellular Wireless
Did you send the unsubscribe message?
Rash
yes i said stop like a billion times
Cellular Wireless
Well Mr. Gilbert I’m looking at the message history and it appears you never sent the proper unsubscribe response.
Cellular Wireless
In fact it looks like you’ve had a history of rather rude texts to our help line.
Rash
what are you talking about
Cellular Wireless
You said “STOP,” “stop”, “JESUS CHRIST JUST STOP,” etc.
Cellular Wireless
Ringing any bells?
Rash
so why didnt you stop?
Cellular Wireless
The initial message clearly states that to unsubscribe, you must send “STP.”
Cellular Wireless
We never received that message.
Rash
and “stop” wasnt clear enough for you?
Cellular Wireless
If you would simply follow the instructions, Mr. Gilbert, everything would be a lot easier for you.
Rash
alright, im sorry. can you please just send help to my location?
Cellular Wireless
Mr. Gilbert, it would be a breach of company policy to provide geolocation information to a third party...
Cellular Wireless
especially that of a non-member.
Rash
please topher im going to freeze to death out here
Cellular Wireless
I’ll tell you what, Mr. Gilbert. I’ll send your information if you promise to switch back to Celluland Wireless coverage.
Rash
im not going to do that
Rash
please can you just help me
Cellular Wireless
At the very least you can subscribe to CWTips.
Cellular Wireless
You’ll receive all sorts of information about Celluland Wirelss that might change your mind.
Cellular Wireless
Otherwise I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you.
Cellular Wireless
The subscribe message is “SBSCRB”
Rash
what is with your company’s avoidance of vowels??
Cellular Wireless
It’s sort of a tradition from back when we used to charge on a per-character basis for our message.
Cellular Wireless
An Old Wheel of Fortune Joke.
Cellular Wireless
“Would you like to buy a vowel?” ;)
Cellular Wireless
But also, we feel it’s more convenient for the customer to reduce the number of characters that they need to type.
Cellular Wireless
###CELLULAND WIRELESS### You are subscribed to CWTips!
Cellular Wireless
Each week, you’ll receive helpful tips from this number so you can get the most out of your Celluland Wireless service.
Cellular Wireless
To stop receiving this messages, reply with “STP.”
Cellular Wireless
Ah! Excellent. Thank you for your cooperation and patience, Mr. Gilbert.
Cellular Wireless
I’ve contacted search and rescue with your position and they should be arriving shortly.
Cellular Wireless
Now, as a final favor, while you’re just sitting there doing nothing...
Cellular Wireless
I’d like to ask you to evaluate the service you’ve received this evening.
Cellular Wireless
If you could follow the following link and provide some quick feedback, it will only take five minutes: http://cw.ly/183qu2d3
Cellular Wireless
You will of course be charge $2.99/kB used, as you are still a non-member on our roaming network.
Cellular Wireless
Mr. Gilbert.
Cellular Wireless
I can see you haven’t completed the survey.
Cellular Wireless
Mr. Gilbert please fill out the survey.
Cellular Wireless
I haven’t actually sent in your location to search and rescue yet.
Rash
jesus christ topher fine ill do it
Rash
please just send help my way
Cellular Wireless
Thank you for your feedback Mr. Gilbert. We value your opinion here at Celluland Wireless.
Cellular Wireless
And we hope that the service you’ve received today might convince you to return to North America’s Number One Arctic service provider.
Cellular Wireless
###CELLULAND WIRELESS### CWTips!
Cellular Wireless
Ni hau, Celluland CWTips subscriber!
Cellular Wireless
Did you know that Celluland Wireless is now the number one multilingual service provider for all of North America?
Cellular Wireless
Try switching the languages provided in the “System Preferences” menu and choose from over 137 languages and dialects that are available for your convenience. Užívat!
Cellular Wireless
###CELLULAND WIRELESS### We’re sorry, it seems that you’ve entered an outdated service code.
Cellular Wireless
We’ve recently updated our response directory for your convenience.
Cellular Wireless
Speak with a Celluland Wireless customer service representative to identify the desired code that you’re looking for.
Cellular Wireless
Have a nice day!
