Gilfoyle
Where are you? Jared is reading out loud from How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Gilfoyle
I told him to wait since you need the advice most.
Dinesh
It's Friday night.
Gilfoyle
No shit. Maybe one day you'll code as well as you read a calendar.
Dinesh
Why would I be home like you losers? I'm on a date.
Gilfoyle
The fuck you are
Dinesh
I am! She's running a little late. I'm at Nola waiting for her.
Gilfoyle
What's her name?
Gilfoyle
Last name Nissan?
Gilfoyle
You realize you couldn't even make up the name of a real woman.
Dinesh
Fine, I'm not on a date. But I am at a bar.
Gilfoyle
At a bar. By yourself. Good plan. Women love friendless men who drink alone.
Dinesh
I won't be alone for long. I think all the digital dating I've been doing has been slowing me down. Analog dating is the way to go.
Gilfoyle
Signal transmission isn't your problem.
Gilfoyle
Your problem is that you use phrases like "analog dating."
Dinesh
For my new strategy, I'm going to be myself. No more pretending to be someone else.
Gilfoyle
Is this the same plan you used to get your cousin to go to prom with you?
Dinesh
Fuck you. She was my third cousin and it wasn't prom. It was my grandfather's funeral.
Gilfoyle
You took a date to your grandfather’s funeral?
Dinesh
It wasn't a date. We were both just in the same room.
Dinesh
Hang on. I just saw an amazing girl, and she made eye contact with me and smiled.
Dinesh
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Gilfoyle
Ask him what frat he pledged in college.
Gilfoyle
See how big his Adam's apple is.
Gilfoyle
Just don’t compare dick lengths. You'll lose.
Gilfoyle
Well? Is his dick SMALLER than yours?
Dinesh
She's too hot, so I'm not interested.
Gilfoyle
You're right, hot girls are the worst. All sexy and fuckable.
Dinesh
I'm not interested.
Gilfoyle
She blew you off, right?
Dinesh
I’M NOT INTERESTED.
Gilfoyle
Jared thinks you fell hard.
Dinesh
Are you telling Jared all of this?
Gilfoyle
No, he's reading my tweets.
Dinesh
You tweeted "Dinesh’s dick is smaller than his date's" ?!
Dinesh
I don't have a date!
Dinesh
Now you tweeted "Head to Nola for drinks on Dinesh. He has no date."
Gilfoyle
It's illegal to delete the truth from the Internet.
Dinesh
Oh shit, here's another girl standing right next to me. What do I do?
Gilfoyle
Be yourself. That’s your winning strategy
Dinesh
Help! I just said "hi" and I have no follow up
Dinesh
What's my follow up?
Dinesh
She just ordered a drink. She's going to leave!
Gilfoyle
Stay cool. Be yourself. Be your best fucking self.
Dinesh
Damnit. I'm desperate!
Gilfoyle
I really want to help you see this situation through.
Dinesh
Get Jared to help!
Jared
Dinesh, this is Jared. We work together at Pied Piper.
Dinesh
Type faster, Jared.
Jared
Right. We've just never texted each other before, so this is all very exciting for me, and I didn't know if you even had my number in your contacts.
Dinesh
Jared you have 5 seconds to help me or I will shove that Dale Carnegie book up your ass.
Jared
Dale Carnegie - Of course! His book has maxims that, I believe, are directly applicable to your dilemma.
Jared
He says "Begin with praise and honest appreciation."
Dinesh
I just told her she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
Gilfoyle
What is she saying?
Dinesh
She said "why do you keep typing on your phone in a bar?" Shit.
Dinesh
Tell me a couple of things at a time, Jared.
Jared
Dale Carnegie also says "1. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly 2. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person"
Dinesh
She's in the bathroom. We have 1 minute
Jared
How's the conversation going so far?
Dinesh
1. I laughed and playfully scolded her for calling me out about the texting in a bar thing
Dinesh
2. I said coming to a bar by myself wasn't the best idea, but a pretty girl like her should probably not go to a bar by herself either. She's just going to get hounded by guys like me.
Jared
Clever, sweet, flirtatious. I’m impressed, Dinesh. This is like having front row tickets to a romantic comedy. She's the Katherine Heigl to your Gerard Butler.
Dinesh
She's headed back. What do I say next?
Jared
I really think Dale Carnegie will help you here. Okay, here's a provocative one. "Throw down a challenge."
Dinesh
What kind of challenge?
Dinesh
Is that what Dale Carnegie says?
Jared
Let me see...Nothing in the book.
Dinesh
I don’t know what the fuck a “sexual challenge” is!
Gilfoyle
I think sex of any kind might be a stretch goal for Dinesh.
Jared
Let’s try Sun Tzu's The Art of War. It’s popular with entrepreneurs and might have some applications here.
Jared
Chapter 12 is about attack by fire.
Gilfoyle
A small fire would get her attention
Jared
No, no, think metaphorically. You can be aggressive with your competition in the bar. “Burn” them down.
Dinesh
Eliminate everyone else so she has no one left but me!
Gilfoyle
Last man on earth approach. The only way you'll get a woman.
Dinesh
She's coming back. Hang on.
Jared
Any update? Did you burn down the competition?
Dinesh
Do either of you know how to get the smell of burned hair out of your clothes?
Jared
Did you use real fire?!?!
Gilfoyle
Her hair or yours?
Jared
Is she still there? I think Peter Drucker or Clayton Christensen might have some tactics to remedy the situation.
