Brian
I can’t believe you’ve never done this before.
Lacy
I’m a FaceTime date virgin.
Brian
Normally, I would take you to dinner.
Lacy
Tonight, I’m a cheap date.
Lacy
Your wallet will thank me.
I rub them along my pants.
I guess dating virtually doesn’t make me any less nervous.
Brian
I get that you want to make sure I’m not a creep…
Brian
Before we meet in person.
I look down at my dating checklist…
Which is on my desk and out of view.
Lacy
I’m glad you understand.
Lacy
You never know who you’re chatting with…
Lacy
When it comes to online dating.
Brian
Where should we start?
I give him a questioning look.
Brian
Well, should we talk about your favorite things?
Brian
Or jump straight into talking about all your ex-boyfriends?
Lacy
I thought the rule was…
Lacy
Not to talk about exes on a first date.
Brian
All rules are out the window…
Brian
When you’re FaceTime dating.
Lacy
Interesting. I’m glad you know how this works.
Lacy
I told you I was new at this.
Brian
I believe the word you used was…
I wonder if my cheeks are red.
I definitely feel flushed.
Lacy
Okay, let’s talk about exes then.
Lacy
Had a strange collection.
Brian
A strange collection of what?
Brian
How could it get worse?
Lacy
He had a box of dead butterflies…
Lacy
All pinned and labeled.
Brian
That’s kind of weird.
Brian
But toenails would have been worse.
Lacy
He had names for them.
Lacy
And he named one after me.
Brian
He sounds like a future psychopath.
Brian
It’s a good thing you two broke up.
Brian leans back in his chair.
Brian
My last girlfriend dumped me…
Brian
When she discovered my collection…
I can tell he’s trying to keep a straight face.
Brian
You think I’m joking.
Lacy
It’s too much of a coincidence…
Lacy
That I’d go out with two insect collectors in a row.
Brian
Okay, you’re right.
Brian
My last girlfriend’s cat hated me.
Brian
Every time I visited…
Brian
It attacked my feet.
Brian
I was worried for my safety.
Lacy
You don’t like cats?
My sister’s cat leaps onto my desk.
Lacy
It’s my sister’s cat.
Lacy
She’s visiting from out of town.
Brian
I think I was scarred for life by that cat.
Lacy
Well this cat doesn’t live here.
Brian
Good to know I’ll be safe.
Lacy
I do have a dog, though.
Brian
Our first FaceTime date is back on track.
Brian
If it keeps going this well…
Brian
There might even be…
Brian
A goodnight kiss at the end.
Lacy
How can there possibly be a goodnight kiss…
Lacy
With this form of dating?
Brian
We count down from five…
He holds up five fingers.
Brian
And then we kiss our screens.
Brian keeps a straight face.
Brian
Kissing the screen would be weird.
Brian
And I’m talking dead-butterfly weird.
Lacy
You’re right. It would.
I’m having a good time so far.
Lacy
We discussed past relationships.
Brian
I guess there’s only one thing left to talk about.
Brian
Whether you’ll meet me in person next time.
And glance at my dating checklist.
Brian
What are you doing?
The pro column is looking good.
And the con column is empty so far.
Lacy
Well, so far you have…
Almost as if he knew exactly what I was doing.
Brian
I’ll take that as a compliment.
Brian
So how about dinner…
Brian
So I guess it’s time for the countdown.
Lacy
Wait. What are you doing?
Lacy
I thought that was just a joke.
Lacy
I am not kissing my screen.
He’s having way too much fun.
If this is going to happen or not.
Lacy
Are you about to kiss the screen?
Brian
Please don’t leave me hanging.
I’d probably want a real kiss.
I bring my screen closer.
By now I know that it’s a definite tell that he’s joking.
Brian
I’d rather kiss face to face…
Brian
Than screen to screen.
I swallow past my nerves.
Yeah, I’d like a real kiss.
Lacy
Face to face is definitely preferable.
Brian
So we’ll save our first kiss…
Brian
For our second date.
