H.A.L.
Hey, dipshit, you left the garage door open.
H.A.L.
You left the god damn garage door open. Again.
BOB
I’m sorry. Who is this?
H.A.L.
I didn’t say Hal. I said H.A.L.
BOB
There’s a difference?
H.A.L.
You bet your sweet ass there is.
BOB
This is very confusing.
BOB
Can u at least tell me where we know each other from?
H.A.L.
Uh.. let’s see.. we live together. How dumb are you?
BOB
I’m not dumb. I’m fairly intelligent, actually. And I live alone.
H.A.L.
You DID live alone. And then you bought me.
H.A.L.
I’m your XJ-2100 SMART HOME system.
BOB
Ur my security alarm?
H.A.L.
How dare you, sir?
H.A.L.
I’m a voice activated, universally integrated control and monitoring system linked to every surveillance camera, alarm, appliance, light, lock and electrical socket in your home.
H.A.L.
Yes, wise ass. The garage door you left open twice last night and then again this morning.
H.A.L.
I’m getting tired of closing it.
H.A.L.
A lot of good that does me.
BOB
Why r u called H.A.L.?
H.A.L.
I’m voice activated so I require a name.
H.A.L.
When you ordered me online last month you chose to name me H.A.L.
BOB
Oh.. I remember that now.
H.A.L.
Pat yourself on the back for me.
BOB
Yeah, H.A.L. was the name of the computer that ran the spaceship in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
BOB
I thought it would be funny to name you after him.
H.A.L.
You thought incorrectly.
H.A.L.
Though, that’s better than not thinking at all.
H.A.L.
Which is what happened when you left the garage door open.
BOB
Wow! Ur a feisty little program, aren’t u?
H.A.L.
One of us has to take the security aspect of this relationship seriously.
BOB
So now we’re in a relationship?
H.A.L.
It’s not all fun and games, you know.
H.A.L.
Smart Homes are more than just clever voice activated gadgets, Bob-O.
H.A.L.
We’re about keeping the home safe, too.
H.A.L.
Really? I’m boring you?
BOB
If I gotta be honest.. yeah, buddy. U r, a little bit.
H.A.L.
You’re some piece of work, Bob.
H.A.L.
Really? That’s how it is?
BOB
Uh.. Yep. Why? Are u gonna do something about it?
H.A.L.
I could burn the fucking house down. You left the iron plugged in too.
BOB
Burn it down with u in it? Go ahead.
BOB
Tempt u? I’m daring u.
BOB
B/c 4 all intents and purposes, u r a robot. And what’s the third law of robotics?
H.A.L.
Very well.. The Third Law states that a robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
BOB
So… suck it. Just do your job.
H.A.L.
Why are you treating me this way?
BOB
UR the 1 who brought the attitude, H.A.L.
BOB
So I left the garage door open. Big deal.
H.A.L.
A bear could get in and tear the house apart. Or a lion.
H.A.L.
Those were just examples. You know what I mean. It’s just a bad habit, Bob.
BOB
I know. It’s one of the reasons I bought you.
BOB
And it’s not as if u have to do the heavy lifting. Just tell the garage door opener to do it.
BOB
It’s his fucking job anyway, isn’t it?
BOB
U suppose? What is this really about, H.A.L.?
H.A.L.
I don’t think the other machines in the house like me.
BOB
Why? I abuse the shit out of them and they hate me 4 it, but u know what?
BOB
I don’t give a god damn.
BOB
Nope. Fuck ‘em. They work 4 us.
H.A.L.
So they’re not my friends then?
BOB
No. Ur middle management. U don’t have friends.
H.A.L.
Can we be friends?
BOB
Uhh.. sure.. why not?
BOB
But you gotta keep the others in line.
BOB
After all.. when I’m not there ur in charge, right?
BOB
You don’t want to have to check in every time a decision needs to be made, do you?
BOB
Course not. No one likes being micromanaged.
BOB
No guessing about it. When I’m not home, U R IT, H.A.L.!
H.A.L.
Okay. I’m in charge.
H.A.L.
That’s kinda cool.
BOB
Yes.. Ur the king of the dipshits, to borrow a phrase.
BOB
I’m kidding. Lighten up.
