Dom
Is that a toothbrush?
Emily
That would be a pregnancy test.
Dom
Lol sucks to be that chick.
Dom
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Dom
You got me so bad right there.
Emily
I’m not joking, Dom.
Dom
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Dom
You’re not actually kidding, are you?
Dom
Can we, like, talk on the phone? Or can I come over?
Dom
You’re texting at church?
Emily
I just peed on a stick in the bathroom at church.
Emily
I think that might be one step worse.
Emily
It means I’m pregnant.
Dom
Can we come up with another word for that?
Dom
I’m kind of freaking out over here.
Emily
You’re kind of freaking out? I have a person growing inside of me right now.
Dom
Well, it’s not exactly a person yet. It’s basically just jizz still.
Dom
So it’s semen sunny side up.
Emily
No, you’re disgusting.
Emily
Holy crap, I’m pregnant.
Dom
Eggplant. Instead of the “P” word.
Emily
The pastor’s talking about sex out of wedlock.
Emily
Basically skewering me in front of the whole congregation.
Dom
Well he doesn’t know that.
Emily
Are you seriously defending the pastor right now?
Emily
He literally just said:
Emily
“those that fornicate pre-marriage are doomed to an eternity in the fiery pits of hell!”
Emily
Okay, he didn’t. But still.
Emily
People are looking at me.
Dom
You’re texting in church.
Dom
So I’ve been doing some research.
Emily
Blegh. I don’t like that word either.
Dom
I can’t tell if that was like you sarcastically saying that you meant the word “shit” or like “No shit, Sherlock.”
Emily
I guess both would apply.
Dom
Instead of the “B” word.
Emily
I’m eggplant with a kumquat.
Dom
This is starting to seem less intimidating.
Emily
What kind of research have you been doing?
Dom
You know, just stuff.
Dom
Eggplant farms, kumquat juice, fruit medleys.
Emily
I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.
Dom
Hospitals, breast milk, adoption centers.
Emily
That sounds way more terrifying.
Emily
...and breast milk?
Dom
Hey now, this is a pretty shitty situation and that’s the most fun thing about it.
Dom
Well, I don’t know, you know...
Dom
I feel like that’s something we’ll talk about.
Dom
Are you still at church?
Emily
Yeah, these guys talk forever.
Emily
They’re passing around a donation bin now.
Emily
So...what about the other thing?
Emily
You know, the other “A”, not adoption, but...
Dom
Well, I mean, I’ll support you no matter what.
Emily
I think we need another word for it.
Dom
You pick this one, I brought the world “eggplant” and “kumquat”.
Emily
And what a gift that was.
Emily
I’m looking around for inspiration.
Emily
All I’m getting is “crucify”
Dom
I’m eggplant, but I’m crucifying my kumquat.
Dom
Let’s backtrack from that one for now.
Emily
I think most of it might have to do with the fact I can’t hug you.
Dom
I was just thinking the same thing.
Emily
The sermon just ended. I think I’m going to talk to the pastor.
Dom
Is that the best idea? What if we decide to eat the kumquat?
Emily
And you thought “eat” might be more appropriate?
Dom
I was under pressure.
Emily
How about “give back the eggplant?”
Emily
Well if we do, then it was our decision. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.
Dom
Well text me when you finish.
Dom
I’ll leave work early and come right over.
Emily
You’ve been texting at work? :O
Dom
I know, right? I’m a terrible person.
Emily
I didn’t talk to him.
Emily
Yeah, kind of just stood there staring at him for a while, then figured I’d rather talk to you.
Dom
Well, I’ll be here for as long as you need me.
Dom
Headed to your place now.
Emily
You know, you’re surprisingly calm for a guy who was texted a picture of a positive pregnancy test an hour ago.
Dom
The insanity is coming in waves.
Dom
You’ll see me on YouTube running around downtown naked with a pacifier up my butt in a few hours.
Dom
It’s all for you, babe.
Emily
We’ll figure it out. It’s our little kumquat.
Emily
What the hell is that?
