Emily
Sorry, just trying to get myself psyched up.
Emily
Do we have to do this?
Emily
Can’t we just, like, wait till it pops out?
Dom
You have to tell your parents, Em.
Emily
But what are they going to say?
Dom
Pulling the magic 8 ball out of my ass…
Dom
It says “Answer hazy. Try again.”
Dom
Do you have a towel? I think the hasty extraction accounts for the haziness.
Emily
But no really, a shitstorm is about to rain down upon me.
Dom
Now it says, “Emily, everything is going to be fine, I’ve told you a thousand times."
Dom
"Just take a deep breath and go be straight with your parents. I love you.”
Emily
Aw, I love you too, Magic 8 Ball.
Emily
When you get home, I’m going to shake you just right ;)
Dom
Is it weird that I’m jealous of the magic ball now?
Emily
You are the magic ball, Dom.
Dom
Are you saying I pulled myself out of my own ass?
Emily
That is the best description of you I’ve ever heard.
Dom
Mean. Your cutesy banter privileges are revoked.
Emily
How’s it going with your parents?
Dom
Oh, I told them like a half hour ago.
Emily
You went inside already?!
Dom
You’re not inside yet?
Dom
That’s definitely not a picture of your car.
Emily
I know, my hands are so shaky that I couldn’t take a clear picture.
Emily
Google to the rescue.
Emily
It’s easier with your parents! They’re so laid-back!
Emily
Your dad is a total hippy...
Emily
and your mom majored in the individualized study of underwater basket-weaving in college.
Dom
It’s an under-appreciated art form.
Dom
Plus, you don’t even know how they reacted!
Dom
As far as you know they disowned me, stripped me of the family name...
Dom
and branded “disappointment” on my butt with a hot-iron!
Emily
You’re very butt-focused today.
Dom
Babe, I’m always butt-focused.
Emily
Okay, so how did they react?
Dom
Pretty well actually.
Dom
Yeah, my mom’s in the attic grabbing some old stuff for us.
Dom
It was kind of weird though, they acted like it wasn’t a big deal at all.
Emily
What did you tell them?
Dom
I said you were eggplant with a kumquat and we weren’t going to eat it.
Emily
Are you sure they understood what you were saying?
Emily
You’ve really got to drop that metaphor.
Dom
It makes me feel safe. Like a security blanket.
Emily
Or snickerdoodles. I love me some snickerdoodles.
Dom
Samesies. But no, they totally got it.
Dom
They said they were going to help out however they can!
Emily
Okay, well at least that’s good.
Dom
Did you get out of your car yet?
Emily
Then I got back in.
Dom
Don’t you think it’ll look a little weird for the neighbors to see this frazzled girl getting in and out of her car?
Emily
If anyone asks, I’ll just say the house is a crack den and I’m fighting the urge to get my fix.
Dom
Very neighborly of you.
Emily
I think I could actually live in this car. It’s comfortable enough.
Emily
The seats recline all the way.
Emily
There’s even a half-eaten bag of Cheetos in the back.
Emily
Sustenance! I’d never have to leave!
Dom
Em, go in the house or I’m breaking up with you.
Emily
You only get to use that line one time in our relationship.
Emily
Do you really want to use it now?
Emily
We will raise the kumquat in my car. It will be a car kumquat.
Emily
A carquat, if you will.
Dom
Now who’s overusing the metaphor?
Emily
You’re right, it does feel safe.
Dom
It’ll all feel safer when you talk to your parents.
Emily
Can’t you come help?
Dom
You’re in Los Angeles.
Emily
Google maps says that’s only a 2-3 hour drive.
Dom
You’re right! Be there in a jiffy.
Emily
Okay, I’ll wait here.
Dom
I’ll be back tomorrow, Em. You’ve got this. I have faith in you.
Dom
You’re Emily Freaking Duran and you’re the biggest badass I’ve ever known.
Emily
I am a pretty big badass.
Emily
Okay, I’m going in.
Dom
Text me when you’re done.
Emily
I’ve never seen my dad cry.
Emily
He wanted to kill you a little, I think.
Emily
But that passed. Then he cried more.
Emily
Well, she always cries. But she cried too.
Emily
They’re going to be a Nana and Pop-Pop.
Dom
And we’re going to be a mother and father.
Emily
Now I’m crying again.
Emily
You said the real words.
Dom
And you’re going to poop out a kumquat.
Emily
One step at a time, I guess.
Dom
Okay, well finish that up and come outside.
Dom
I’m in your car and I brought snickerdoodles.
Dom
I drove back as soon as you asked me to.
Emily
This is too much crying, I’m dehydrated.
Dom
We may need to drive back to San Diego, though…
Dom
My mom gave me a bunch of old barbecue stuff.
Dom
I think she took the whole “Emily’s eggplant with a kumquat” to mean we’re having a cookout.
