Dom
This is the scariest room I’ve ever been in.
Dom
There’s a poster with a cat in here.
Dom
It’s dangling off a tree.
Dom
It says “Hang in there, kitty!”
Dom
It might as well say “Screw you, Dom, you’re not getting this job and you won’t be able to provide for your family.”
Dom
“Let go and plummet to your kitty death.”
Emily
There are multiple contraptions in here that they put in vaginas.
Dom
Okay, you win. Hospital room is scarier than interview room.
Emily
So what do you think, blue or pink?
Dom
I think that we shouldn’t force our kumquat into gender stereotypes.
Emily
You’re the one that wanted to keep using different words because...
Emily
you make a little ‘eep!’ noise every time I say baby boy or baby girl.
Emily
Pink? Really? I’m pulling for blue.
Dom
Why? Blues are dicks. I would know, I am one.
Emily
Because with blue we only have to worry about one dick -
Emily
while with pink we have to worry about every other dick in the world.
Dom
It’s the age-old question…
Dom
Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or one hundred duck-sized horses?
Dom
Like would you rather deal with one really big dick (our dick) or a hundred little dicks (the world’s dicks)?
Emily
Horse-sized dick. No question.
Dom
How is it that your autocorrect goes to the dirtier word.
Emily
I think that just shows how much we text about penises.
Dom
Anyways, the clear answer is a hundred duck-sized horses.
Dom
Much easier to kick, and the snap of a horse-sized duck would cut you in half.
Emily
You’ve thought about this before.
Dom
Constantly. It haunts me.
Emily
Don’t you think the back kick of a duck-sized horse would break your ankle?
Dom
That’s terrifying. Way to give me more nightmares.
Emily
Hey, you’re the one that has me imagining a hundred disembodied mini-dicks surrounding one ginormous super-dick.
Emily
Nightmares for days. Daymares even.
Dom
Ah! The interviewer is coming in!
Emily
Don’t mention dicks of any shape or size.
Emily
Ooh! Nurse is coming in too!
Dom
Wait! I have to keep texting you!
Emily
You’re having an interview!
Dom
I’ll just do it under the table. I’m great at multi-tasking. I can text without loijing.
Emily
Well definitely don’t “loij”, that’s a sure deal-breaker at the job.
Dom
I just have to time looking for when the interviewer blinks.
Emily
I’m rolling my eyes so hard I hope you feel it.
Emily
The nurse’s name is Jamie.
Emily
That’s a nice name, right?
Emily
That works for a blue or a pink.
Dom
I’m thinking we name it kumquat, out of honor for the trials of our eggplant.
Emily
Never ever going to happen.
Emily
She’s pouring goop on my belly now.
Dom
My biggest weakness is probably a three-way tie between trying too hard, caring too much, and my ankles.
Dom
Oh my bad, started typing what I was saying.
Dom
It takes some mean focus to multi-task like this.
Dom
I like to keep it light at an interview.
Emily
How have you ever gotten a job?
Dom
I’ve actually been hired from every interview I’ve ever done.
Emily
You’re currently texting mid-interview.
Dom
That shows tenacity. Very hirable.
Dom
I’m making eye-contact with him.
Dom
I may have just realized that my typing volume is on.
Dom
I gotta go, keep mu edpated!
Emily
You know me, always keeping mu edpates!
Dom
We made out a little bit.
Dom
Poor start to an Employer-Employee relationship right there.
Emily
Ha-ha. What actually happened?
Dom
The interviewer caught me texting.
Dom
And so I explained our situation…
Dom
And he totally understood!
Dom
Yeah! He would definitely fight a hundred duck-sized horses!
Dom
Oh, also I got the job!
Emily
Maybe we should name the kumquat after him, what’s his name?
Dom
How’s it going on your end?
Emily
Still waiting for the doctor.
Emily
Don’t text and drive.
Dom
Okay. Good thing I have this bottle of vodka to calm my nerves.
Dom
Sorry, using witty humor to calm my nerves.
Emily
I’m freaking out a little bit too.
Dom
Same. I’m taking a cab so I can keep talking to you.
Dom
I don’t think I’m going to make it.
Dom
Whathappenedwhathappenedwhathappened?
Emily
Roses are red, violets are…
Dom
Boy. We’re having a baby boy.
Dom
I will always pull through for you, Em.
Dom
Anything for our family.
Emily
I know you will. You’re going to be a great father.
Dom
And you will be a great mother.
Dom
But his middle name is definitely going to be eggplant.
