Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street.
The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished.
The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.
Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table.
After the music has ceased, Algernon enters.
Algernon
Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?
Lane
I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.
Algernon
I'm sorry for that, for your sake.
Algernon
I don't play accurately - any one can play accurately...
Algernon
but I play with wonderful expression.
Algernon
As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte.
Algernon
I keep science for Life.
Algernon
And, speaking of the science of Life...
Algernon
have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?
Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.
Algernon
Oh! By the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night...
Algernon
when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me...
Algernon
eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.
Lane
Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.
Algernon
Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne?
Algernon
I ask merely for information.
Lane
I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir.
Lane
I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.
Algernon
Is marriage so demoralising as that?
Lane
I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir.
Lane
I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present.
Lane
I have only been married once.
Lane
That as in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.
Algernon
I don't know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.
Lane
No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject.
Lane
I never think of it myself.
Algernon
Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.
Algernon
Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?
Algernon
They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.
Lane
Mr. Ernest Worthing.
Algernon
How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?
Jack
Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!
Algernon
I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been since last Thursday?
Sitting down on the sofa.
Algernon
What on earth do you do there?
Jack
When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring.
Algernon
And who are the people you amuse?
Jack
Oh, neighbours, neighbours.
Algernon
Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?
Jack
Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.
Algernon
How immensely you must amuse them!
Goes over and takes sandwich.
Algernon
By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?
Jack
Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young?
Jack
Who is coming to tea?
Algernon
Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.
Jack
How perfectly delightful!
Algernon
Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won't quite approve of your being here.
Algernon
My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.
Jack
I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.
Algernon
I thought you had come up for pleasure? I call that business.
Jack
How utterly unromantic you are!
Algernon
I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal.
Algernon
Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty.
Algernon
If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
Jack
I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.
Algernon
Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven -
Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at once interferes.
Algernon
Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.
Jack
Well, you have been eating them all the time.
Algernon
That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt.
Algernon
Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.
Jack
And very good bread and butter it is too.
Advancing to table and helping himself.
Algernon
Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already.
Algernon
You are not married to her already, and I don't think you ever will be.
Jack
Why on earth do you say that?
Algernon
Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.
Jack
Oh, that is nonsense!
Algernon
It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place.
Algernon
In the second place, I don't give my consent.
Algernon
My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of
Jack
Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily.
Algernon
Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking - room the last time he dined here.
Jack
Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know.
Jack
I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.
Algernon
Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up.
Jack
There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.
Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes it at once. Lane goes out.
Algernon
I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say.
Opens case and examines it.
Algernon
However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't yours after all.
Jack
Of course it's mine.
Jack
You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.
Algernon
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
Jack
I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back.
Algernon
Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn't know any one of that name.
Jack
Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.
Jack
Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy.
Retreating to back of sofa.
Algernon
But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells?
Algernon
'From little Cecily with her fondest love.'
Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.
Jack
My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself.
Jack
You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven's sake give me back my cigarette case.
Follows Algernon round the room.
Algernon
Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? 'From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.'
Algernon
There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can't quite make out.
Algernon
Besides, your name isn't Jack at all; it is Ernest.
Jack
It isn't Ernest; it's Jack.
Algernon
You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest.
Algernon
You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest - looking person I ever saw in my life.
Algernon
It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't Ernest. It's on your cards. Here is one of them.
Algernon
'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.' I'll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else.
Puts the card in his pocket.
Jack
Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.
Algernon
Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once.
Jack
My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.
Algernon
Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now.
Jack
Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?
Algernon
I'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.
Jack
Well, produce my cigarette case first.
Algernon
Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable.
