Morning-room at the Manor House.
Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into the garden.
Gwendolen
The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.
Cecily
They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.
Gwendolen
They don't seem to notice us at all. Couldn't you cough?
Cecily
But I haven't got a cough.
Gwendolen
They're looking at us. What effrontery!
Cecily
They're approaching. That's very forward of them.
Gwendolen
Let us preserve a dignified silence.
Cecily
Certainly. It's the only thing to do now.
Enter Jack followed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.
Gwendolen
This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.
Cecily
A most distasteful one.
Gwendolen
But we will not be the first to speak.
Gwendolen
Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.
Cecily
Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian's brother?
Algernon
In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.
Cecily, addressing Gwendolen.
Cecily
That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?
Gwendolen
Yes, dear, if you can believe him.
Cecily
I don't. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.
Gwendolen
True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?
Jack
Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?
Gwendolen
I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism.
Gwendolen
Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing's. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.
Cecily
I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.
Gwendolen
Then you think we should forgive them?
Gwendolen
True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one.
Cecily
Could we not both speak at the same time?
Gwendolen
An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me?
Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.
Gwendolen
Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!
Cecily
Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!
Jack
Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon.
Gwendolen, aside to Jack.
Gwendolen
For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?
Cecily
To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?
Gwendolen
How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.
Jack clasps hands with Algernon.
Cecily
They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.
They fall into each other's arms.
Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.
Merriman
Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!
Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. Exit Merriman.
Lady Bracknell
Gwendolen! What does this mean?
Gwendolen
Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.
Lady Bracknell
Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.
Lady Bracknell
Apprised, sir, of my daughter's sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train.
Lady Bracknell
Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought.
Lady Bracknell
I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.
Jack
I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell!
Lady Bracknell
You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon!
Algernon
Yes, Aunt Augusta.
Lady Bracknell
May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?
Algernon
Oh! No! Bunbury doesn't live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead.
Lady Bracknell
Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden.
Algernon
Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.
Lady Bracknell
What did he die of?
Algernon
Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.
Lady Bracknell
Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.
Algernon
My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean--so Bunbury died.
Lady Bracknell
He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.
Lady Bracknell
And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?
Jack
That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.
Lady Bracknell bows coldly to Cecily.
Algernon
I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.
Lady Bracknell
I beg your pardon?
