Cecily
Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.
Lady Bracknell shivers, crossing over to the sofa.
Jack
I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance.
Jack
I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus.
Jack looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.
Chasuble
Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.
Jack
That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their authenticity?
Chasuble
I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.
Jack
I have known strange errors in that publication.
Chasuble
Miss Cardew's family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.
Jack
Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby's is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.
Chasuble
How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew's birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.
Jack
Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favour of premature experiences.
Gwendolyn rises, looks at her watch.
Jack
Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?
Chasuble
Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you.
Lady Bracknell sits down again.
Jack
A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces.
Lady Bracknell, to Cecily.
Jack
Come over here, dear.
Jack
Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.
Chasuble
And after six months nobody knew her.
Lady Bracknell glares at Jack for a few moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily.
Jack
Kindly turn round, sweet child.
Cecily turns completely round.
Jack
No, the side view is what I want.
Cecily presents her profile.
Jack
Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon!
Algernon
Yes, Aunt Augusta!
Jack
There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew's profile.
Algernon
Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don't care twopence about social possibilities.
Jack
Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can't get into it do that.
Jack
Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.
Algernon
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
Jack
Cecily, you may kiss me!
Cecily kisses Lady Bracknell.
Cecily
Thank you, Lady Bracknell.
Jack
You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.
Cecily
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
Jack
The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.
Algernon
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
Cecily
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
Jack
To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
Chasuble
I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew's guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely decline to give.
Jack
Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire?
Chasuble
It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful.
Algernon and Cecily look at him in indignant amazement.
Jack
Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian.
Chasuble
I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother.
Chasuble
Under an assumed name he drank, I've just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, '89; wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin.
Chasuble
And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don't intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.
Jack
Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew's conduct to you.
Chasuble
That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My own decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent.
Lady Bracknell addresses Cecily.
Jack
Come here, sweet child.
Jack
How old are you, dear?
Cecily
Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.
Jack
You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating . . .
Jack
Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So I don't think your guardian's consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.
Chasuble
Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather's will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.
Jack
That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
Jack
Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.
Jack
I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present. There will be a large accumulation of property.
Cecily
Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?
Algernon
Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could.
Cecily
Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.
Algernon
Then what is to be done, Cecily?
Cecily
I don't know, Mr. Moncrieff.
Jack
My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five--a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature--I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.
Chasuble
But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.
Lady Bracknell rises and draws herself up.
Jack
You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.
Chasuble
Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.
Jack
That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself.
Jack
...we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.
Gwendolen
Everything is quite ready for the christenings.
Jack
The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature?
Dr Chasuble, looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack and Algernon.
Gwendolen
Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.
Jack
At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money.
Gwendolen
Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon?
Chasuble
I don't think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.
Gwendolen
I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons.
Gwendolen
However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.
Jack
Miss Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?
Gwendolen
Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her.
Jack
Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?
Gwendolen
She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.
Jack
It is obviously the same person. May I ask what position she holds in your household?
Gwendolen
I am a celibate, madam.
Chasuble
Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew's esteemed governess and valued companion.
Jack
In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let her be sent for.
Gwendolen
She approaches; she is nigh.
Enter Miss Prism hurriedly.
Catches sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixed her with a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.
Miss Prism bows her head in shame.
Miss Prism approaches in a humble manner.
Jack
Prism! Where is that baby?
General consternation. The Canon starts back in horror. Algernon and Jack pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily and Gwendolen from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.
Jack
A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality.
Miss Prism starts in involuntary indignation.
Jack
But the baby was not there!
Every one looks at Miss Prism.
Jack
Prism! Where is that baby?
