Jack
My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all. In fact it's perfectly ordinary.
Jack
Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand - daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew.
Jack
Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.
Algernon
Where is that place in the country, by the way?
Jack
That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be invited...I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire.
Algernon
I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?
Jack
My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough.
Jack
When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It's one's duty to do so.
Jack
And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one's health or one's happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes.
Jack
That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.
Algernon
The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!
Jack
That wouldn't be at all a bad thing.
Algernon
Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't try it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at a University.
Algernon
They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know.
Jack
What on earth do you mean?
Algernon
You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose.
Algernon
Bunbury is perfectly invaluable. If it wasn't for Bunbury's extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's to - night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.
Jack
I haven't asked you to dine with me anywhere to - night.
Algernon
I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.
Jack
You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.
Algernon
I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quiteenough to dine with one's own relations.
Algernon
In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two.
Algernon
In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to - night. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner - table.
Algernon
That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent...and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad.
Algernon
It is simply washing one's clean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules.
Jack
I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore.
Jack
So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. ... with your invalid friend who has the absurd name.
Algernon
Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury.
Algernon
A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.
Jack
That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won't want to know Bunbury.
Algernon
Then your wife will. You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.
Jack
That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years.
Algernon
Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.
Jack
For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy to be cynical.
Algernon
My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's such a lot of beastly competition about.
The sound of an electric bell is heard.
Algernon
Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner.
Algernon
Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to - night at Willis's?
Jack
I suppose so, if you want to.
Algernon
Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.
Lane
Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.
Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and Gwendolen.
Lady Bracknell
Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.
Algernon
I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
Lady Bracknell
That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together.
Lady Bracknell sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness.
Algernon speaks to Gwendolen.
Algernon
Dear me, you are smart!
Gwendolen
I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing?
Jack
You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
Gwendolen
Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.
Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the corner.
Lady Bracknell
I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's death.
Lady Bracknell
I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.
Algernon
Certainly, Aunt Augusta.
Lady Bracknell
Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen?
Gwendolen
Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am.
Picking up empty plate in horror.
Algernon
Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.
Lane
There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice.
Lane
No, sir. Not even for ready money.
Algernon
That will do, Lane, thank you.
Algernon
I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.
Lady Bracknell
It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.
Algernon
I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.
Lady Bracknell
It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say.
Algernon crosses and hands tea.
Lady Bracknell
Thank you. I've quite a treat for you to - night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar.
Lady Bracknell
She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It's delightful to watch them.
Algernon
I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to - night after all.
Lady Bracknell
I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that.
Algernon
It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again.
Exchanges glances with Jack.
Algernon
They seem to think I should be with him.
Lady Bracknell
It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.
Algernon
Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.
Lady Bracknell
Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shilly - shallying with the question is absurd.
Lady Bracknell
Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.
Lady Bracknell
Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice...as far as any improvement in his ailment goes.
Lady Bracknell
I should be much obliged if you wouldask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me.
Lady Bracknell
It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.
Algernon
I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty.
Algernon
You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen, and if one plays bad music people don't talk. But I'll run over the programme I've drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.
Lady Bracknell
Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you.
Rising, and following Algernon.
Lady Bracknell
I'm sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse.
Lady Bracknell
But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me.
Gwendolen
Certainly, mamma.
Lady Bracknell and Algernon go into the music - room, Gwendolen remains behind.
Jack
Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.
Gwendolen
Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous.
Jack
I do mean something else.
Gwendolen
I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong.
Jack
And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell's temporary absence...
Gwendolen
I would certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about.
Jack
Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl...I have ever met since...I met you.
Gwendolen
Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you.
Jack looks at her in amazement.
Gwendolen
We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest.
Gwendolen
There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.
Jack
You really love me, Gwendolen?
Jack
Darling! You don't know how happy you've made me.
Jack
But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my name wasn't Ernest?
Gwendolen
But your name is Ernest.
Jack
Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn't love me then?
Gwendolen
Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.
Jack
Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care about the name of Ernest...I don't think the name suits me at all.
Gwendolen
It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.
Jack
Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.
Gwendolen
Jack? No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations...
Gwendolen
I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John!
Gwendolen
And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest.
Jack
Gwendolen, I must get christened at once - I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost.
Gwendolen
Married, Mr. Worthing?
Jack
Well...surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.
Gwendolen
I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on.
Jack
Well...may I propose to you now?
Gwendolen
I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before - hand that I am fully determined to accept you.
Gwendolen
Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?
Jack
You know what I have got to say to you.
Gwendolen
Yes, but you don't say it.
Jack
Gwendolen, will you marry me?
Gwendolen
Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.
Jack
My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you.
Gwendolen
Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl - friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest!
Gwendolen
They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present.
Lady Bracknell
Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi - recumbent posture. It is most indecorous.
