Jack
You don't think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy?
Algernon
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Algernon
It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be.
Jack
I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people.
Jack
The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.
Jack
I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?
Algernon
The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course.
Algernon
By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?
Jack
My dear fellow, the truth isn't quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman!
Algernon
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain.
Jack
Oh, that is nonsense.
Algernon
What about your brother? What about the profligate Ernest?
Jack
Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. I'll say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don't they?
Algernon
Yes, but it's hereditary, my dear fellow. It's a sort of thing that runs in families. You had much better say a severe chill.
Jack
You are sure a severe chill isn't hereditary, or anything of that kind?
Algernon
Of course it isn't!
Jack
Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest to carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets rid of him.
Algernon
But I thought you said that...Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won't she feel his loss a good deal?
Jack
Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.
Algernon
I would rather like to see Cecily.
Jack
I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.
Algernon
Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen?
Jack
Oh! one doesn't blurt these things out to people. Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends.
Jack
I'll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.
Algernon
Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first.
Algernon
Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis's, we really must go and dress. Do you know it is nearly seven?
Jack
Oh! It always is nearly seven.
Algernon
Well, I'm hungry.
Jack
I never knew you when you weren't...
Algernon
What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre?
Jack
Oh no! I loathe listening.
Algernon
Well, let us go to the Club?
Jack
Oh, no! I hate talking.
Algernon
Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten?
Jack
Oh, no! I can't bear looking at things. It is so silly.
Algernon
Well, what shall we do?
Algernon
It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind.
Enter Gwendolen. Lane goes out.
Algernon
Gwendolen, upon my word!
Gwendolen
Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing.
Algernon
Really, Gwendolen, I don't think I can allow this at all.
Gwendolen
Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that.
Algernon retires to the fireplace.
Gwendolen
Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on mamma's face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them.
Gwendolen
The old - fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three.
Gwendolen
But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you.
Gwendolen
The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination.
Gwendolen
The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your town address at the Albany I have. What is your address in the country?
Jack
The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire.
Algernon, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt-cuff. Then picks up the Railway Guide.
Gwendolen
There is a good postal service, I suppose? It may be necessary to do something desperate. That of course will require serious consideration. I will communicate with you daily.
Gwendolen
How long do you remain in town?
Gwendolen
Good! Algy, you may turn round now.
Algernon
Thanks, I've turned round already.
Gwendolen
You may also ring the bell.
Jack
You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling?
Jack
I will see Miss Fairfax out.
Jack and Gwendolen go off.
Lane presents several letters on a salver to Algernon. It is to be surmised that they are bills, as Algernon, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.
Algernon
A glass of sherry, Lane.
Algernon
Tomorrow, Lane, I'm going Bunburying.
Algernon
I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits...
Algernon
I hope tomorrow will be a fine day, Lane.
Algernon
Lane, you're a perfect pessimist.
Lane
I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.
Enter Jack. Lane goes off.
Jack
There's a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my life.
Algernon is laughing immoderately.
Jack
What on earth are you so amused at?
Algernon
Oh, I'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all.
Jack
If you don't take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day.
Algernon
I love scrapes. They are the only things that are never serious.
Jack
Oh, that's nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but nonsense.
Algernon
Nobody ever does.
Jack looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. Algernon lights a cigarette, reads his shirt - cuff, and smiles.
