Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads up to the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. Time of year, July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a large yew-tree.
Miss Prism discovered seated at the table. Cecily is at the back watering flowers.
Miss Prism
Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton's duty than yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you. Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday's lesson.
Cecily, coming over very slowly.
Cecily
But I don't like German. It isn't at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson.
Miss Prism
Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town.
Cecily
Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well.
Miss Prism draws herself up.
Miss Prism
Your guardian enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so comparatively young as he is. I know no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility.
Cecily
I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we three are together.
Miss Prism
Cecily! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother.
Cecily
I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much.
Cecily begins to write in her diary.
Miss Prism begins shaking her head.
Miss Prism
I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother's admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him.
Miss Prism
I am not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment's notice. As a man sows so let him reap. You must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don't see why you should keep a diary at all.
Cecily
I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. If I didn't write them down, I should probably forget all about them.
Miss Prism
Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about with us.
Cecily
Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened, and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us.
Miss Prism
Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days.
Cecily
Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don't like novels that end happily. They depress me so much.
Miss Prism
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
Cecily
I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your novel ever published?
Miss Prism
Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned.
Miss Prism
I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these speculations are profitless.
Cecily
But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden.
Miss Prism rises and advances.
Miss Prism
Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a pleasure.
Chasuble
And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well?
Cecily
Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.
Miss Prism
Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache.
Cecily
No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in.
Chasuble
I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.
Cecily
Oh, I am afraid I am.
Chasuble
That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism's pupil, I would hang upon her lips.
Chasuble
I spoke metaphorically.--My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet?
Miss Prism
We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.
Chasuble
Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer.
Miss Prism
Egeria? My name is Laetitia, Doctor.
Chasuble
A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong?
Miss Prism
I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good.
Chasuble
With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as the schools and back.
Miss Prism
That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.
Miss Prism goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble.
Cecily picks up books and throws them back on table.
Cecily
Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German!
Enter Merriman with a card on a salver.
Merriman
Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him.
Cecily takes the card and reads it.
Cecily
'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.' Uncle Jack's brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?
Merriman
Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.
Cecily
Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.
Cecily
I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else.
Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair.
Algernon
You are my little cousin Cecily, I'm sure.
Cecily
You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age.
Algernon is rather taken aback.
Cecily
But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack's brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.
Algernon
Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn't think that I am wicked.
Cecily
If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.
Algernon looks at her in amazement.
Algernon
Oh! Of course I have been rather reckless.
Cecily
I am glad to hear it.
Algernon
In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.
Cecily
I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.
Algernon
It is much pleasanter being here with you.
Cecily
I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won't be back till Monday afternoon.
Algernon
That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious . . . to miss?
Cecily
Couldn't you miss it anywhere but in London?
Algernon
No: the appointment is in London.
Cecily
Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.
Cecily
Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit.
Algernon
I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste in neckties at all.
Cecily
I don't think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.
Algernon
Australia! I'd sooner die.
Cecily
Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia.
Algernon
Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.
Cecily
Yes, but are you good enough for it?
Algernon
I'm afraid I'm not that. That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your mission, if you don't mind, cousin Cecily.
Cecily
I'm afraid I've no time, this afternoon.
Algernon
Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?
Cecily
It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try.
Algernon
I will. I feel better already.
Cecily
You are looking a little worse.
Algernon
That is because I am hungry.
Cecily
How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals. Won't you come in?
Algernon
Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.
Cecily picks up scissors.
Algernon
No, I'd sooner have a pink rose.
Algernon
Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.
Cecily
I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me.
Algernon
Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady.
Cecily puts the rose in his buttonhole.
Algernon
You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.
Cecily
Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.
Algernon
They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.
Cecily
Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about.
They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble return.
Miss Prism
You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand--a womanthrope, never!
Chasuble
Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.
Miss Prism
That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.
Chasuble
But is a man not equally attractive when married?
Miss Prism
No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.
Chasuble
And often, I've been told, not even to her.
Miss Prism
That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young women are green.
Miss Prism
I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is Cecily?
Chasuble
Perhaps she followed us to the schools.
Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.
Miss Prism
This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till Monday afternoon.
