Gwendolen
Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never heard of papa, I suppose?
Gwendolen
Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man.
Gwendolen
And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes painfully effeminate, does he not? And I don't like that. It makes men so very attractive.
Gwendolen
Cecily, mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my glasses?
Cecily
Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked at.
Gwendolen
You are here on a short visit, I suppose.
Cecily
Oh no! I live here.
Gwendolen
Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also?
Cecily
Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.
Cecily
My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me.
Cecily
Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward.
Gwendolen
Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight.
Gwendolen rises and goes to her.
Gwendolen
I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were--well, just a little older than you seem to be--and not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly--
Cecily
Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.
Gwendolen
Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature.
Gwendolen
He is the very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others.
Gwendolen
Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.
Cecily
I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?
Cecily
Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is his brother--his elder brother.
Gwendolen sits down again.
Gwendolen
Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother.
Cecily
I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time.
Gwendolen
Ah! that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems distasteful to most men.
Gwendolen
Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, would it not?
Gwendolen
Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?
Cecily
Quite sure. In fact, I am going to be his.
Gwendolen
I beg your pardon?
Cecily
Dearest Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you.
Cecily
Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.
Gwendolen
My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The announcement will appear in the Morning Post on Saturday at the latest.
Cecily
I am afraid you must be under some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago.
Gwendolen examines diary through her lorgnette carefully.
Gwendolen
It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday
Produces diary of her own.
Gwendolen
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.
Cecily
It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind.
Gwendolen
If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.
Cecily
Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married.
Gwendolen
Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.
Cecily
Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I call it a spade.
Gwendolen
I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different.
Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries a salver, table
Merriman
Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?
Merriman begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. Cecily and Gwendolen glare at each other.
Gwendolen
Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew?
Cecily
Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills quite close one can see five counties
Gwendolen
Five counties! I don't think I should like that; I hate crowds.
Cecily
I suppose that is why you live in town?
Gwendolen bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasol.
Gwendolen
Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew.
Cecily
So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.
Gwendolen
I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.
Cecily
Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London.
Gwendolen
Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores me to death.
Cecily
Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?
Gwendolen
Detestable girl! But I require tea!
Gwendolen
No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any more.
Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.
Cecily
Cake or bread and butter?
Gwendolen
Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.
Cecily cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.
Cecily
Hand that to Miss Fairfax.
Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. Rises in indignation.
Gwendolen
You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake.
Gwendolen
I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.
Cecily
To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go.
Gwendolen
From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably right.
Cecily
It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood.
Gwendolen
Ernest! My own Ernest!
Jack offers to kiss her. Gwendolen draws back.
Gwendolen
A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady?
Jack
To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?
Gwendolen
Thank you. You may!
Cecily
I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing.
Gwendolen
I beg your pardon?
Cecily
This is Uncle Jack.
Algernon goes straight over to Cecily without noticing any one else.
Offers to kiss her. Cecily draws back.
Cecily
A moment, Ernest! May I ask you--are you engaged to be married to this young lady?
Algernon
To what young lady? Good heavens! Gwendolen!
Cecily
Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.
Algernon
Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?
Presents her cheek to be kissed.
Gwendolen
I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.
Cecily, breaking away from Algernon.
Cecily
Algernon Moncrieff! Oh!
The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other's waists as if for protection.
Cecily
Are you called Algernon?
Algernon
I cannot deny it.
Gwendolen
Is your name really John?
Jack
I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years.
Cecily addresses Gwendolen.
Cecily
A gross deception has been practised on both of us.
Gwendolen
My poor wounded Cecily!
Cecily
My sweet wronged Gwendolen!
Gwendolen
You will call me sister, will you not?
They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and down.
