Cecily
There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.
Gwendolen
An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest?
Gwendolen
We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.
Jack
Gwendolen--Cecily--it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth.
Jack
It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind.
Jack
However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future.
Cecily
No brother at all?
Gwendolen
Had you never a brother of any kind?
Jack
Never. Not even of any kind.
Gwendolen
I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to any one.
Cecily
It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it?
Gwendolen
Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after us there.
Cecily
No, men are so cowardly, aren't they?
They retire into the house with scornful looks.
Jack
This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?
Algernon
Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.
Jack
Well, you've no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.
Algernon
That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.
Jack
Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!
Algernon
Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life.
Algernon
I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven't got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.
Jack
Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded.
Jack
You won't be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too.
Algernon
Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear Jack? You won't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either.
Jack
As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.
Algernon
I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.
Jack
I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.
Algernon
Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.
Jack
There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.
Algernon
I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.
Jack
Well, that is no business of yours.
Algernon
If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it.
Algernon begins to eat muffins.
Algernon
It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
Jack
How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.
Algernon
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.
Jack
I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.
Algernon
When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink.
Algernon
At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.
Algernon rises. Jack rises.
Jack
Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way.
Takes muffins from Algernon. Algernon offers tea-cake.
Algernon
I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don't like tea-cake.
Jack
Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
Algernon
But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.
Jack
I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.
Algernon
That may be. But the muffins are the same.
He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack.
Jack
Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.
Algernon
You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that.
Algernon
Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.
Jack
My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can't both be christened Ernest. It's absurd.
Jack
Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr.Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.
Algernon
Yes, but I have not been christened for years.
Jack
Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.
Algernon
Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell.
Algernon
You can hardly have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.
Jack
Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.
Algernon
It usen't to be, I know--but I daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.
Jack picks up the muffin dish.
Jack
Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.
Algernon
Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn't. There are only two left.
Algernon
I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.
Jack
But I hate tea-cake.
Algernon
Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!
Jack
Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don't want you here. Why don't you go!
Algernon
I haven't quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left.
Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.
