Anders
Hey Melanie! It’s Anders… Good times last night ;)
Anders
Was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee sometime this week?
Anders
Would love to just hang.
Melanie
Sure! Student Center Cafe at 4pm? Today?
Anders
Awesome! I’ll see you there.
Anders
Hey Mel, I’m here, it’s like 4:15. I ordered you a soy latte.
Anders
I remember you saying you had a dairy allergy last night...
Anders
when you stole me that pizza from your roommate’s fridge.
Anders
Ok, been here for an hour. I’ve got to go get ready for class
Anders
See you around, I guess…
Melanie
Look, I’m really sorry about ghosting like that
Melanie
Let’s just say that in addition to dairy...
Melanie
I’m also allergic to long-term relationships
Melanie
And by long-term I mean like more than 1 night
Melanie
I’ve been working on it
Melanie
ANYWAY this is super embarrassing
Melanie
but have you had any like SYMPTOMS
Melanie
You know…downstairs??
Melanie
Oh god Anders PLEASEEEE
Melanie
I know I totally fucked up
Melanie
It’s really hard for me to write this
Melanie
Fine. I’ll tell you my symptoms, and if you have them, you have them...
Melanie
You don’t have to write me back or anything.
Melanie
First I was like super itchy down there, then it spread.
Melanie
This terrible itching all over my body for two days
Melanie
And I started noticing my skin peeling.
Melanie
Like it does after a sunburn
Melanie
But this was all over my body.
Melanie
In places that aren’t exposed to the sun.
Melanie
I would wake up and…ugh this is so gross
Melanie
There would be flakes of skin all over my sheets.
Anders
The skin peeling is called ecdysis
Melanie
Dude! What is wrong with me? Can you tell me?
Anders
But it was really messed up, standing me up.
Anders
Like, that behavior is not cute
Melanie
I said I was sorry…
Melanie
Do you forgive me?
Anders
What I do know is this is the beginning.
Melanie
The beginning? The beginning of what?
Anders
I can’t tell you right now.
Melanie
What do you mean you can’t tell me right now?
Anders
I need to you to follow my instructions.
Anders
Mel, I don’t have much time, and this is a life or death situation
Anders
1. Do not go to health services
Melanie
Are you kidding me?
Anders
Here is what is going to happen if you go to health services
Anders
They will say you have a rare strain of meningitis, potentially fatal
Anders
They will give you what they say are antibiotics
Anders
But these are not antibiotics, they are basically poison -
Anders
and they will kill you
Anders
The doctors will say that you died from the rare strain of meningitis...
Anders
but it will be from those poison pills
Melanie
That is the most paranoid crap I’ve ever heard
Anders
2. Wash your hands. Use hand sanitizer. Wear one of those masks.
Anders
For the next two weeks you are going to be extremely vulnerable to infection
Melanie
Is this HIV or something?
Anders
No. Just listen to me.
Anders
3. Don’t freak out when you start hearing weird things.
Anders
You’ll hear buzzing, whistling.
Anders
Your skin will keep peeling, from time to time.
Anders
And you’ll notice other things, too. It’s different for everyone.
Anders
This is a normal part of the process.
Melanie
The PROCESS? EVERYONE?
Melanie
Who else has this thing?
Anders
That’s what we’re trying to find out.
Anders
And that’s why I need your help. Which brings me to…
Anders
4. Share this with everyone who you’ve had sex with since me.
Anders
Stay in touch with them. Have them share their symptoms with you.
Anders
DO NOT let them go to health services if you want them to live.
Melanie
Why do you assume I’ve had sex with people since you?
Anders
I honestly don’t care. I just don’t want people to get hurt.
Melanie
I haven’t, you know. I’m not some kind of slut.
Anders
I wouldn’t consider you a slut even if you told me that you had.
Melanie
How very sex-positive feminist of you.
Melanie
You’re not like other guys, you know.
Anders
Anyway, I have to go. I’ll text you with more details in 3 weeks.
Anders
Not from this number…it’s too dangerous.
Melanie
How do I know you aren’t just messing with me?
Anders
I guess you don’t.
Melanie
Also, I just googled that word ecdysis.
Melanie
It’s what happens when snakes shed their skin.
Melanie
So how is it happening to me?
Anders
I’ll explain all this to you in 3 weeks.
Melanie
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me
Melanie
Don’t be like that!
Melanie
At least tell me how I’ll know that it’s you...
Melanie
since you’ll be texting from a new number.
Melanie
A code. Something else no one else but you knows.
Anders
I can mention the birthmark on your inner thigh
Melanie
Well, there’re a handful of people who might have seen that…
Anders
Ok. I’ll text you with the words SOY LATTE
Melanie
Man you hold a grudge. Fine.
Anders
And Melanie, remember:
Anders
DO NOT. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. GO TO HEALTH SERVICES.
Anders
Ok, they’re coming, I’ve gotta run.
