Jeb
Hey big brother, you there? I need your help!
Dubya
Hey, Jebba the Hutt. Just painting some of my masterpieces.
Dubya
I'm working harder now than I did when I was leader of America. Heh heh.
Jeb
Put the paintbrush down. I’m having a crisis!
Dubya
What’s up, hermanito?
Jeb
Hermanito? Are you making fun of my Hispanic heritage?
Dubya
At prep school you were a spoiled, white, male, legacy student. You think you’re Hispanic?
Jeb
You're making ME sound like the smart one.
Jeb
I’m not spoiled! Have you even seen the Guaca Bowle I’m selling for $75 on my campaign website?
Jeb
I’m not sure how much our private chef paid for that guacamole bowl, but at $75, I’m pretty sure I’m giving it away.
Jeb
Spoiled people don’t just give away Guaca Bowles for $75!
Jeb
But let's focus on the real problems in the world.
Dubya
Like Syria? How do you pronounce Syria. Is it sigh-ree-yah?
Jeb
No! Real problems. Like how behind I am in the polls.
Dubya
Hey, I’ve got a joke for you. What rhymes with Fleb and will never be president?
Dubya
Heh heh heh. Wait, I’ve got another one.
Dubya
Who was high on marijuana 40 years ago but is low on Republican support today? Heh heh heh.
Dubya
Alright, I got it out of my system.
Dubya
Tell me how I can help, Fleb. It’s gotta be quick, though. I’m doing another Putin portrait.
Jeb
Old Pootie-Poot wants another portrait?
Dubya
A nude one this time. You think Pootie-Poot is well hung?
Jeb
Can you focus? I need you to help me with my image.
Dubya
Good idea. As the saying goes, "You can't judge a book until you judge its cover."
Jeb
Trump keeps calling me “low energy.”
Dubya
Well, are you low energy?
Dubya
You still there, Jebberwocky?
Jeb
Sorry about that. I was yawning.
Jeb
Anyhow, this low energy thing. What do I do about it?
Dubya
Let’s get you a new hairstyle that is full-on energy.
Jeb
Like Trump? His hairstyle is full-on gerbil. Ha! Good one, right?
Dubya
Heh. Only one “heh” that time, Jeb.
Dubya
You gotta be funnier than that if you wanna be president.
Dubya
My presidency proves that America doesn’t care about qualifications, intelligence, or even tact.
Dubya
All they want is a fun-loving president.
Jeb
With a haircut to match.
Dubya
That’s the spirit! Now go spend some of that $100 million in Super PAC money on a new haircut!
Dubya
Well? Let’s see a selfie.
Jeb
You know how Trump’s hair makes him look like this?
Dubya
Yep. Whaddya look like, Jebro?
Dubya
Yikes! Not real powerful or presidential, Mousie.
Jeb
It’s a damn mouse, George! How could you let me do this?!
Dubya
Me?! I told you to get a haircut not put a damn mouse on your head.
Dubya
R u gonna cry to mommy like always?
Dubya
Georgie made me get this turd-tastic haircut. Georgie always gets to be president before me.
Dubya
You’re such a whiner.
Jeb
Shut it, George! I will tell mom if you don’t cut it out.
Dubya
Like you told her about Warty?
Jeb
His name was Wally, and he was my pet frog!
Dubya
What can I say? Frogs like to be near water.
Jeb
You flushed him down the toilet!
Dubya
And I shit in it first. Did mom tell you that part? Heh heh.
Jeb
Dammit, George! Listen, I need to do something else! Tell me what to do.
Dubya
You need to do something no one would expect.
Jeb
Something no one thinks I’m capable of doing.
Dubya
Something that’ll show, without any doubt, that you are the president America needs.
Jeb
Something that proves to everyone that I'm powerful.
Dubya
That shows you're a strong, red-blooded man.
Jeb
I should...get a mistress? No, I’m not even president yet...
Dubya
You should get a gun.
Jeb
Right, a gun. Of course! Nothing is more American than a gun.
Dubya
It took an hour?! That’s unacceptable. Americans shouldn’t have to wait an hour for a gun.
Jeb
I know. I can have my personal chef make guacamole in my Guaca Bowle in less time.
Dubya
I figured out how to say Syria in less time. It’s see-rye-uh, right?
Dubya
Anyhoo, what's the gun feel like, Lil Shooter?
Jeb
I feel stronger already! Still think I’m low energy, Trump? Wanna piece of me, Ben Carson? I’ll show you, Carly!
Dubya
Yeah, buddy! There’s nothing holding you back now! You know how to shoot that puppy?
Jeb
Nope. I just loaded it up and walked out. AMERICAAAAAAA!! Greatest country in the world!
Jeb
Where anyone can buy a gun without fear of being discriminated against on the basis of race, religion, mental state...
Jeb
...intended use, and even experience with a loaded weapon.
Dubya
That's right! America will not discriminate against you. If you want a gun.
Jeb
OMG! Call an ambulance!
Dubya
Are you okay, Trigger? What happened?
Jeb
I shot myself in the toe!
Jeb
Shut up and call an ambulance!
Dubya
Sure thing. What’s that emergency number again?
Dubya
Hang on, I got it. 9-4-0. No, wait. It’s 9-1...dammit. I lost it.
Dubya
Oh right. Hang tight, Kalashnikov.
Dubya
Stuff happens. Heh heh heh.
