That there's a girl on campus…
Crazy enough to break up with Trevor Holt.
I thought Trevor and I could still be friends after we broke up.
I thought Trevor wouldn’t be a jerk about it.
I’m talking on the phone to my best friend, Deb, about it right now…
As I head towards the house that she and I share.
Martha
I finally broke up with Trevor.
Deb
Congratulations! How did he take it?
Martha
At first it was fine.
Martha
We hugged. He kissed me goodbye.
Martha
He gave me this mean magazine.
Martha
It’s the worst thing anyone has ever done to me!
Martha
There’s only one thing to get:
Martha
I am sooo done with Trevor Holt.
Deb and I just moved into an off-campus house.
It’s what you might call a “well-loved” home…
Which means it’s basically held together with duct tape.
I open the front door and yell inside.
Martha
Deb!! Where are you?
I hang up my phone and run up the steps…
Knocking the top knob off the staircase.
I speak loudly so Deb can hear me.
Martha
The magazine Trevor gave me basically says that…
I reach the hallway at the top of the stairs.
All the doors are closed.
I hear the sound of a running shower.
I fling open the bathroom door.
Martha
I’m gonna be single forever!
Just as I burst into the bathroom…
A super cute naked man in his early 20s…
Martha
Oh my gosh, you’re not Deb!
I hold up a rubber ducky to block my view of his you-know-what.
Guy
That’s true. I’m not Deb.
Jordan
Your new roommate.
I take in Jordan’s chiseled abs.
And marvel that the hottest guy I’ve ever seen…
Is standing inside my bathroom.
Wait, did he just say roommate?
Martha
Roommate? What happened to Deb?
Deb appears in the bathroom doorway.
Deb
Did I forget to tell you?
Martha
Are you moving out?!
Martha
Are you guys dating? What about Drew?
Jordan
We’re definitely not dating.
And am startled to see that he’s still naked.
Martha
Oh my gosh, can you please put on a towel?
He points to a towel hanging behind me.
Deb
Martha, let’s step outside.
Deb and I stand just outside the bathroom.
Deb
So…remember how I said a super cool up-and-coming rapper…
Deb
Hired me to choreograph his music video?
Deb
He’s kinda tight on money right now…
Deb
So I’m letting him stay in the empty bedroom for the summer.
Deb
Instead of paying rent, he’s going to help fix up this old house.
Deb tries to straighten a wall sconce.
Martha
Why am I just finding out about this?
Deb
But every conversation for the past week…
Deb
Was about your soon-to-be breakup.
Deb
Show me this so-called mean magazine!
There’s a photo of the pop star Kiandra on the cover.
I open the magazine to the article Trevor wanted me to read.
Deb reads the headline out loud:
Deb
“The Necessary Quest for Love in College.”
Martha
Trevor is trying to give me love advice!
Deb reads aloud from the article:
Deb
“A new research study shows that people of Generation Z…"
Deb
“Are most likely to find their partner during college."
Deb
“In fact, women who do not find a mate during college…"
Deb
“Have only a 5% chance of finding love after graduation.”
Jordan, with a towel wrapped around his waist…
Deb
Maybe Trevor just wants you to be happy.
Jordan disappears into his room.
Martha
Did you get to the part that says…
Martha
That most women remain single forever?
Martha
I *just* lost my virginity…
Martha
And now I’ll probably never have sex again!
Jordan pulls his door shut.
Oops. I guess he heard me say that.
Deb
Listen, it’s totally natural to be upset about a breakup…
Deb
But that doesn’t mean you should believe a dumb magazine!
I grab the magazine back from Deb.
Martha
But the article is right.
Martha
The clock is ticking.
Martha
I need to fall in love this summer.
Deb
You have your whole life ahead of you!
Martha
Have you ever known me to procrastinate?
Martha
Case in point: I applied for my internship a year ago.
Martha
My internship! It’s my first day!
I grab my lab coat from my bedroom…
And run out of the house, passing Drew Longhorn…
Frat boy and big man on campus…
Drew
Martha! You look like you’re in a hurry.
Martha
That’s very perceptive, Drew!
I get into my car as Drew leans into the window.
Drew
Hey, I heard about you and Trev. Bummer.
Drew
But you should know…
Drew
Deb and I are gettin’ kinda serious.
Drew
So I’m off the market now.
Martha
Bummer. Okay, gotta go!
As I pull away in my car…
Drew
You’ll find someone someday!
I drive up to a lavish, ornate mansion.
Outside are marble statues, a foundation, rosebushes…
It seems like a strange place for a chemistry lab!
I double-check the address I’ve written in my notebook.
I’m almost certain I see Kiandra…
The famous pop star, walk out the door.
Wondering if I just hallucinated…
I enter the building and approach the beautiful young receptionist.
Martha
Hi. Is this the James Chemistry Agency?
Receptionist
Yes, can I help you?
Martha
I’m Martha Campbell, the summer intern.
Receptionist
You’re the summer intern?
I hand my paperwork to her.
Receptionist
I’ll see if Mr. James is available.
Receptionist
You can hang out here.
Receptionist
Try not to touch anything.
I wait as three super hot guys come around the corner.
Guy 1
Jeremy, is your shirt inside out?
Jeremy notices me staring at him…
Then takes off his shirt to look for a tag…
Revealing a very fit body.
Jeremy
Nah, that’s just the way it’s made.
Guy 2
You had to take your shirt all the way off?
Jeremy
Hey, I’m just givin’ the ladies what they want.
Jeremy winks at me, and the guys leave.
The receptionist returns.
Receptionist
Mr. James will see you now.
She shows me into Mr. James’ office.
A signed photograph of Ed Sheeran sits on his desk.
Mr. James
Martha, nice to meet you.
Martha
Nice to meet you, too.
Martha
I’m really excited to be here.
Mr. James
Good, good. I like your enthusiasm.
Mr. James
That’s quite a jacket you have on, by the way.
Mr. James
What are they calling this new trend? Science-chic?
Martha
Oh, haha, funny joke.
Martha
I just like to come prepared.
Mr. James
Prepared for what?
Martha
For…the chemistry experiments?
Mr. James looks at me blankly.
Martha
In the chemistry lab?
I finally take in the room.
I see platinum records on the wall…
And signed photos of music stars and other celebrities.
Martha
Which…this clearly is not.
Mr. James
No. This is a talent agency.
Mr. James
The James Chemistry Talent Agency.
Martha
There must be some mistake.
Martha
I’m a chemistry major.
Mr. James
Oh, that is a mistake.
Martha
I’m on the Dean’s List…
Martha
I read nonfiction for fun.
Martha
I can’t work here. I’m smart.
Martha
I mean, I’m not saying you’re *not* smart…
Mr. James
Uh, I don’t think this is going to work.
Mr. James
Laura will show you out.
Martha
I’m really sorry about this.
I stand up and start gathering my things.
How did I let this happen?
Just then, Mr. James’ devilishly handsome assistant…
Enters the office and hands Mr. James a coffee.
Wow, this place is crawling with hot guys.
It’s literally the polar opposite of a nerdy chemistry lab!
The assistant smiles at me.
Assistant
Can I get you a coffee or a water before you go?
Maybe I can find chemistry here…
A different kind of chemistry…
I slowly lower my bag and clear my throat.
Martha
Water would be great, thanks.
Assistant
Of course. I’ll be right back.
Martha
Mr. James, on second thought…
Martha
I think this *is* the right internship for me.
Mr. James
That’s nice, but I need someone with industry experience.
Mr. James
Someone who can handle talent bookings…
Mr. James
Study contracts, and write press releases.
Mr. James
Things like that.
I’m just about ready to give up…
But then I muster all my confidence…
And look Mr. James in the eyes.
Martha
Well, I may never have handled a talent booking…
Martha
But I’m talented at finding books!
Mr. James looks unamused.
Martha
And I can study contracts.
Martha
I can study anything!
Martha
If I can write a 20-page lab report on analytical chemistry in two hours…
Martha
I can write anything.
Mr. James seems to be entertaining the idea.
Martha
When I put my mind to something, it gets done.
Martha
I promise I will be the best summer intern you’ve ever had.
When I’m not busy finding my true love.
Mr. James considers my argument…
While I feel like I’m about to burst.
Mr. James
Well, it would be nice to have a “smart girl” in the office.
Mr. James
And I do have a good feeling about you.
I give Mr. James a big, pleading smile.
Mr. James
Okay, you’ve convinced me.
Mr. James
But are you sure you want this internship?
The handsome assistant returns with my water.
He sets it in front of me…
And gives me a smile that just about makes me swoon.
Mr. James
Well, your work is cut out for you.
Mr. James
We have a huge launch party for our digital arm in a month.
Mr. James
But first, we need help with the Fourth of July mixer…
He stands and ushers me out of the room.
Mr. James
I have to jump on a call…
Mr. James
But my daughter will show you the ropes.
Mr. James
She’s our office manager…
Mr. James
And your boss for the summer.
Mr. James
Martha, I’ve never hired a chemistry major before.
Mr. James
Don’t make me regret it.
Martha
You won’t. Thank you so much for this opportunity.
Mr. James
I certainly hope so.
I step into the hallway as Mr. James shuts the door.
And there I see yet another hot guy.
He has a face and body like a Greek statue.
He pulls off the shirt-and-tie look very well.
He’s clearly used to people gawking at him.
He gives me a stupidly charming grin that makes me melt.
Hot Guy
You know, it’s not polite to stare.
Martha
Oh, no I wasn’t, I just…sorry.
Martha
I’m waiting for the office manager.
Martha
Hi Austin, I’m Martha.
Austin
Hi Martha. I haven’t seen you around.
Austin
You must be one of Nick’s new clients.
Austin
Are you auditioning for the role of “hot scientist” or something?
Martha
What? I’m not an actor. Or anybody!
Martha
I’m the new summer intern.
Austin points to my lab coat.
Austin
I see. And the jacket is a play on the agency name?
Martha
Uh, something like that.
Austin
You know why it’s called the James “Chemistry” Agency, right?
Martha
Is it another person’s last name? Like Mr. James?
So close I can smell his aftershave.
His words drip with seduction.
Austin
No. It’s because the client-agent relationship is all about the chemistry.
I’m breathless over this close encounter.
Then Austin leans away as if the moment never happened.
Austin
But we take our jobs seriously…
Austin
So we leave the nerdy puns at home.
Austin knocks on Mr. James’ door…
As I finger my lab coat, feeling awkward and embarrassed.
Austin
Hey “hot scientist” — I’ll see you around.
Austin smiles at me, then enters Mr. James’ office.
I groan and take off my lab coat, shoving it in my bag.
Then I hear an all-too-familiar voice.
Tilla
You have got to be kidding me.
I turn and see Tilla James.
Who more than once has called me a “clueless nerd.”
Tilla
What are you doing here?
Martha
Me? What are you doing here?
Tilla
Uh, hello? My name is on the building.
I finally put two and two together.
Tilla is Mr. James’ daughter.
Martha
I’m the summer intern.
Tilla
Then I guess that makes me your boss.
With a smirk on her face…
Tilla shows me to my desk…
Which is shoved in the corner…
And covered in boxes and old office equipment.
Tilla
This is where you’ll be working.
Tilla
Any questions? Last chance.
Martha
What do you do here?
Tilla
I give you all of your tasks…
Tilla
And I pretty much run the place.
Tilla
The only thing I can’t do is fire people.
Tilla
Because if I could…
I pretend I didn’t hear that.
Martha
What kind of talent does this agency represent?
Tilla
Mostly singers and musicians…
Tilla
But some models and actors, too.
Martha
Oh cool! My new roommate is a rapper and music producer.
Tilla
Rule number one: don’t make small talk with me.
Tilla
Any other questions, loser?
Martha
Yeah, Austin. He’s—
Tilla
The youngest senior agent at JCA…
Tilla
And way out of your league.
Martha
I don’t know about that.
Martha
He did say I was hot.
Tilla
He probably meant in a peasant kind of way.
Tilla
Speaking of which, since I have to look at you every day…
Tilla
Get better clothes.
Tilla
And if you really want to fit in here…
Tilla
Get a new personality.
I’m at a dance studio with Deb and our hot new roommate, Jordan.
Deb is an amazing dancer and choreographer.
She and Jordan are rehearsing his new music video.
They dance to a hip hop song that Jordan wrote…
While I sit on the floor…
Leaning against the dance mirrors.
When they get to the end of the song…
Just then, a regal-looking young woman wearing a leotard…
Pokes her head into the studio.
Deb tries to catch her attention.
Zoey
Have you cleaned the locker room, Debbie?
Zoey
Don’t forget to wash the towels. Twice.
Zoey leaves as Deb runs over to me.
Martha
She calls you Debbie??
Deb
Did she see Jordan and me dancing?
Martha
No, I don’t think so.
Deb
Darn. Zoey’s the leader of the studio’s dance team.
Deb
And I really want to get on the team…
Deb
But she’s impossible to impress.
Deb sits next to me while Jordan practices on his own.
Deb
I can’t believe that witch Tilla is your boss!
Deb
You must be really committed to this, huh?
Deb
“Martha’s quest to find true love.”
Deb
How hot could the guys in that place be?
As she speaks, I’m focused on Jordan…
Who is lifting his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face…
Deb sees where my gaze has landed.
Martha
Jordan? No! He’s our roommate!
Jordan does a cool dance move.
Martha
And, like, so much cooler than me.
Now he’s looking at himself in the mirror.
Martha
And he’s clearly not interested.
Deb
You’re right about that.
Deb
Jordan is laser-focused on his career.
As I continue looking at Jordan…
He catches my eye and smiles.
I’m vaguely aware that Deb has said something.
Deb
You need to get up early tomorrow…
Deb
Little Miss Talent Agent.
I’m clearing all the junk off my desk…
When Tilla appears with a sheet of paper.
Tilla
This is a list of radio stations and liquor brands and stuff.
Tilla
Call them and try to get some sponsors for our Fourth of July party.
Tilla
You’re the “smart” one.
I take out my phone, dial a phone number…
And wait for someone to answer.
Martha
Hi, this is Martha from JCA, the talent agency.
Martha
Umm, you know, we represent talent…
Martha
Uh, singers and stuff.
Martha
Huh? Uh, I’m the intern.
Martha
They hung up on me!
I cross off the first number on the list.
I cross off the 20th number on the list, feeling hopeless.
Tilla, on the other hand, is on the phone haggling with someone.
Tilla
David, you know I’m not paying more than $400…
Tilla
For your old table and chairs.
Tilla
Do you want me to take my business someplace else?
Tilla
Perfect. See you on the Fourth.
Martha
How did you do that?
Martha
Get what you wanted out of that guy?
Tilla
My dad always says, “work with what you got.”
Tilla
Speaking of, see that stack of files?
Tilla
I need you to take them to the basement.
Tilla
Yeah. You remember where it is, right?
I’m walking down a hallway that’s teeming with hot dudes.
Now it’s time to focus on my real summer job:
Another guy steps out into the hallway and bumps into me.
Then I see a guy taking selfie pics.
The selfie-pic guy looks over at me.
Selfie-Pic Guy
Which expression is better for my mid-morning selfie?
He makes a series of awkward faces.
Fortunately, Austin appears just then.
Austin
Donovan, please don’t harass the intern.
Austin puts his hand around my waist…
And guides me away from Donovan.
Austin
You have to be careful around here.
Austin
Egos — they’re everywhere.
Martha
Yeah, hot guys usually have big ones.
Martha
Oh my gosh, I didn’t mean…
Martha
And I didn’t mean you.
Martha
Not that you’re not hot…
Martha
Or don’t have a big…
I can tell that my face has turned bright red.
Martha
Okay, I’ll just stop talking now.
Austin
I think this has been my favorite conversation of the day.
Austin
But what brings an intern to this part of the building?
Martha
Tilla asked me to drop these files off in the basement.
Austin
Ahhh. Tilla. Speaking of…
Austin
Ask her to send you an invite for the Chuck Rock Records party.
Austin
It’s one of the perks of this internship:
Austin
Tons of sweet parties. Will you come?
Austin
There’s a dress code…
Austin
So maybe leave the lab coat at home.
Martha
Don’t worry, I already went shopping…
Martha
And picked up some more industry-appropriate clothes.
I pull at my brand-new shirt, showing it off.
Austin gives me a condescending smile.
Austin
You’re cute, you know that?
Austin continues down the hall.
Austin
There is no basement in this building.
Okay, Tilla, one point for you.
But as far as my quest for love is concerned…
I think this is one point for me.
Later that night, I’m home…
While looking for the record party invitation on my phone…
When suddenly I’m falling into the staircase.
My leg is stuck inside the stair!
I look around for my phone.
I dropped it when I fell.
It’s at the bottom of the steps, just out of reach.
I try to get my leg free, but it’s really stuck.
Martha
Help! Help!! Anybody!
Jordan appears at the top of the staircase.
He immediately runs down to me…
And starts ripping at the floorboard.
Jordan
Hold still. This wood is sharp.
Martha
I was just walking and suddenly the step broke.
Jordan
Looks like I’m going to have to saw your leg off.
Jordan
Oh man, your face!
Jordan
I’m not going to cut off your leg.
Jordan
But I do need to grab a saw.
Jordan
I’ll be right back.
Jordan reappears with a small hand saw.
Jordan
Relax. I’m just going to cut away at the surrounding wood.
Martha
Are you sure you need to do that?
Martha
I mean, I barely know you!
Martha
How do I know you’re not going to accidentally saw off my leg?
Martha
Or that you didn’t plan this whole thing as a trap so you could murder me?
Jordan
That would be a very elaborate plan, wouldn’t it?
Jordan
First, spend a year writing a rap album.
Martha
A year? Wow that’s dedication.
Jordan
Second, fail at getting an agent…
Jordan
And therefore be unable to pay for my own music video…
Jordan
And therefore be forced to live in my choreographer’s spare bedroom.
Jordan
And then murder my cute roommate.
Jordan
You’re right. You should really be worried.
Jordan
Except that I just freed your leg.
Martha
What? You did? My hero!
Jordan
Murderer to hero in 60 seconds.
Jordan
That’s a world record.
Jordan
Here, grab my hands. I’ll pull you out.
He lifts me out of the staircase…
Jordan to sitting on the steps, me into his lap.
Martha
Thanks for saving me.
Martha
Can I repay you somehow?
Jordan
What were you thinking?
Martha
Well maybe I could—
Just then, Jordan’s phone rings and he answers it…
Cutting me off mid-sentence.
He walks out of the room.
I continue speaking to the empty room.
Martha
…Take you out for a drink?
I’m back at work and on the phone…
Trying to drum up sponsors for the Fourth of July party.
I dial the very last name on the list…
And am promptly met with a resounding 'NO.'
It was fun while it lasted.
I’ll have to tell Mr. James that I can’t do it.
Laura, the receptionist, walks into the desk area to gossip with Tilla.
Laura
Warning! Steer clear of your dad.
I can hear Mr. James’ voice in his office.
Mr. James
This is bullcrap!!!
Laura
The senior agents have been in a meeting with Kiandra all day.
Laura
Her ticket sales and streaming numbers are way down…
Laura
And she’s threatening to leave the agency.
Laura
Your dad isn’t happy.
Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk to Mr. James.
Tilla
Poor Dad. He’s convinced that if he loses Kiandra…
Tilla
He’ll lose half the other artists on his roster.
Martha
So, what’s their hypothesis?
Laura
Is that some kind of skin care treatment?
Martha
Hypothesis. You know…
Martha
A proposed explanation on the basis of limited evidence.
Tilla and Laura stare blankly at me.
Martha
When you have a problem you’re trying to solve…
Martha
You can use the scientific method.
Martha
First you ask a question:
Martha
Why are Kiandra’s ticket sales down?
Martha
Then you do your research and construct a hypothesis.
Tilla
Listen, nerd, this is the entertainment industry.
Tilla
You need street smarts, not book smarts.
Tilla
No wonder you can’t find a sponsor for the party.
Suddenly, Mr. James walks out from the meeting, looking furious.
He bumps into me, knocking coffee onto my shirt.
Mr. James
Do they let people stand around soaked in coffee in the chemistry world?
Stunned and embarrassed, I hurry toward the bathroom.
On my way out, I hear Mr. James speak to Tilla.
Mr. James
Don’t let Kiandra see her.
Mr. James
She’s a bad look for the company.
As I wash the coffee out of my un-hip shirt…
I realize that Mr. James and Tilla are right:
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m also not any closer to finding a boyfriend.
I walk dejectedly back to the office…
My shirt wet with a brown stain.
Tilla takes in my sorry appearance.
Tilla
At least now that shirt can go in the trash where it belongs.
Martha
Where’s your dad? I need to talk to him.
Tilla
You’ll have to talk to him tomorrow.
Tilla
He’s taking the rest of the day off.
Around the corner, I can hear a man and woman talking.
I recognize Austin’s voice.
Tilla
That’s Kiandra. Hide!
Tilla
Get under the desk.
Tilla
You don’t want her seeing you like that.
Martha
You mean the coffee stain?
Tilla
I mean the whole thing! Go!
And hear the voices get closer.
Austin
And you remember Tilla James?
Kiandra
Oh yes, Tim’s daughter.
Kiandra
Lovely to see you again.
Tilla
Great to see you, too!
Under the desk, I’m having a mental pity party…
While the others continue their conversation.
It was so stupid of me to think that I, the chemistry nerd…
Could make it at a Hollywood talent agency.
I’ll never find love here.
And I can’t believe I thought for a second…
That Austin might be interested in me.
He’s probably not even single!
Then Kiandra’s voice catches my ear.
Kiandra
Oh please, I imagine there’s a line of women waiting to date you.
I begin listening intently.
Kiandra
Let me guess. You can’t be tied down?
Austin
I’d love to be tied down…
Austin
By the right girl.
My despair turns to hope.
I go to stand up and bang my head into the desk.
Austin and Kiandra peek around the corner to see me hiding.
Kiandra
Who on earth are you?
