I lift my head out of the toilet…
Just as a man’s legs appear next to me.
He’s holding a glass of water, some ibuprofen, and a washcloth.
Jordan
How’re you feeling?
Martha
I don’t know what happened.
Martha
I only had two drinks.
Jordan
You said it was champagne.
Jordan
Maybe it was the bubbles?
Jordan
Nah, this ain’t just bubbles.
I lay my head down on the bathroom floor.
Martha
I’m so happy you were home.
Martha
I mean on the one hand…
Martha
I hate that my super-hot roommate is watching me puke.
I guess I’m still a little drunk.
Martha
On the other hand, better you than Austin.
Martha
Austin’s suuuuuch a good kisser.
His lips are like peaches.
Jordan
Yeah, I didn’t need to know that.
Martha
But he called me fumbly Martha.
Martha
He doesn’t like my coffees.
Martha
Or my moves under desks.
Jordan
Alright, you’re not making sense.
Jordan
Can you try to sit up?
Martha
No. Never. Come down here, the water’s warm.
So that we’re nose to nose.
Jordan brushes my hair off my cheek.
It feels so good to lie down.
Jordan
Shhhhh, she’s gonna be fine.
They must think I’m asleep.
I’m too tired to say anything or move.
Drew
Uhh, are you sure? That’s a lot of puke.
Jordan
She got home and couldn’t stop throwing up.
Jordan
He sent her home in an Uber.
Deb
HE SENT HER HOME IN AN UBER?!
Deb’s shouting jolts me to a sitting position.
I’m overcome by dizziness.
Then I puke into the toilet again.
Deb takes the washcloth out of Jordan’s hand…
And nudges him out of the way.
Deb hands me the glass of water and two ibuprofen.
Deb
Here, this will help.
Deb puts my head in her lap.
Jordan surveys the scene and leaves the bathroom.
Deb and I are in my bedroom.
We’re back to being besties.
And continue to nurse my hangover…
As Deb swipes through a dating app that I recently joined.
Deb
Martha, all these guys are whack.
Martha
I know. Is my pic not cute enough?
Deb
This app is apparently just full of weirdos.
Wait, did you know it’s linked to your Instagram feed?
Martha
The last ten pics are from that kooky sci-fi convention I dragged everyone to.
I look over Deb’s shoulder.
There’s a really weird pic of me in a sci-fi costume.
Martha
My Insta needs a major upgrade.
Deb
Agreed. If not, you’ll just keep getting more hits like this:
She shows me a pic of a nerdy dude with a weird expression.
Deb swipes left, and a new guy appears.
Martha
He looks like a poor man’s Austin.
Deb
But if you got sick at a party…
Deb
That guy probably wouldn’t send you home in an Uber.
Martha
Maybe Austin had a good reason for doing that.
Deb
Martha, stop defending him.
Martha
He hasn’t talked to me since I vommed on him.
Deb
You mean you haven’t talked to him.
Deb’s phone rings. She looks at it.
Deb
Sorry, I’ve gotta take this.
I hear Jordan’s music playing through the walls.
And knock on Jordan’s open door.
When he sees me, a smile spreads across his face.
Jordan
You must be psychic.
Jordan
I was just thinking about you.
Jordan
Yeah, I’m working on that song you inspired.
Jordan
I think it’s in a really good place.
He offers me his headphones.
I sit down next to him, put the headphones on, close my eyes…
After a moment, my eyes pop open.
I take off the headphones.
Martha
“All that girl talk!”
Jordan
Yeah. And did you get the other reference?
He takes the headphones from me and looks hopeful.
Martha
No. There was something else?
I reach for the headphones.
But Jordan holds them out of my reach…
And grabs my hand to stop me from snatching them.
Jordan
I’ll let you hear it again when it’s done.
Jordan
So, I haven’t heard you talk about Senior Agent D-bag in a while.
Martha
Are you ever gonna tell me what happened between you two?
Jordan
Nope. Because he doesn’t matter to me.
Martha
Then why’d you bring him up?
Just then Deb bursts in, her phone in her hand.
Deb
Ugghhhhh! Why can’t I win the lottery?!
Deb
That was the special effects studio.
Deb
All I wanted was a little snow falling from the sky in Jordan’s music video.
Martha
Oh right, the shoot’s this weekend.
Deb
Or snow, or sleet, or rain, or fog…
Deb
Or literally any kind of precipitation—
Deb
But everything has to cost, like, a million dollars!
Jordan
We really don’t need it.
Deb
I know we don’t need it!
Martha
I saw an old bubble machine in a supply closet at JCA.
Martha
If I could get that, do you want it?
Jordan
That sounds great.
Deb
And Martha, you can take some pics for your Insta!
I knock on Mr. James’ door at JCA.
Martha
Hi, sorry to interrupt…
Mr. James
Martha! How’s the Kiandra project coming?
Mr. James
It’s really important…
Mr. James
That we have Kiandra perform her new single at the launch party.
Mr. James
Austin feels confident, so I feel confident.
Mr. James
We’d better not lose her!
Mr. James
I’m depending on that lab report of yours.
Martha
I saw a bubble machine in the supply closet.
Mr. James smiles fondly at my mention of the bubble machine.
Mr. James
Ah, yes. Snoop Dogg talked me into that 20 years ago.
Mr. James
Good old Snoop.
Martha
If no one is using it…
Martha
Would you mind if I borrowed it this weekend?
Mr. James
You can take whatever you see in that closet…
Mr. James
Unless it’s a Beyoncé costume.
I leave Mr. James’ office…
And walk back to my desk.
Tilla is on a phone call.
She flags me over and hands me a stack of fliers.
The fliers are for Kiandra’s upcoming college campus performance.
Tilla puts a handwritten to-do list on top of the fliers.
1. Get dry cleaning — Kevin’s Cleaners.
2. Get champagne and cupcakes — Mr. Glee’s.
3. Pick up Lambo — EG Mechanics.
4. Put up fliers for Kiandra show.
Tilla gestures for me to GO.
Tilla hands me a huge roll of tape.
Tilla covers the receiver of the phone.
Tilla
It’s a to-do list, idiot!
But then turn around with one last question.
I walk out of the dry cleaners…
Holding roughly 30 pieces of clothing.
I struggle with the door…
And the clothes cascade out of my arms.
But someone is there to catch them:
Jordan
Whoa! Are you robbing the place?
Martha
Jordan! What are you doing here?
Jordan
Our washing machine is broken.
Together, we put the clothes in the backseat of my car.
Martha
Ugh. Tilla sent me out with a ridiculous errand list.
Martha
I’m supposed to pick up a Lamborghini…
Martha
And drive it back to the office.
Martha
But what am I supposed to do with my car?
Jordan’s eyes go wide at the word Lamborghini.
A mechanic hands me the keys to the Lamborghini.
Jordan
Didn’t Deb say you need pics for your Insta?
Jordan
Hand me your phone.
And gets a good angle of me standing next to the car.
He snaps a pic and returns my phone.
The picture is incredible.
Martha
Would you mind coming with me on the rest of my errands…
Martha
And maybe taking some more photos?
Martha
And then you can drive me back to my car…
Martha
And take the Lambo to JCA.
Jordan
Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse.
Jordan helps me do my shopping…
And helps me put up the fliers for Kiandra’s campus concert…
Taking photos of me for my Insta as we do everything.
We’re laughing as we walk through the doors of JCA…
Carrying dry cleaning and shopping bags.
We almost bump right into Mr. James’ assistant, Tad.
Tad
Here you are! What an angel!
Tad
For handling my to-do list for Mr. James.
Tad starts grabbing the bags from us.
Tad
When Tilla told me you offered to do all of my errands…
Tad
On top of your own work…
Tad
I just about fainted!
Tad
I had a mini day off — what a treat!
Tad
You’re a real star, you know.
Tilla is standing off to the side, snickering.
Now I can see that I was duped.
But I pretend to be unfazed.
Martha
You’re welcome. Glad I could help.
Jordan hands Tad the keys…
And Tad walks off with all the stuff.
Tilla waves at us and disappears.
Jordan
Who cares about her?
Jordan
We had a great day, didn’t we?
Just then, Austin appears.
Austin makes his way toward us…
Looking very hot as per usual.
This is the first time he’s acknowledged me…
Since I puked on him at Boho House.
I know I should hate him for the way he sent me home…
Austin
You’ve been gone all day.
Martha
Tilla had me do a bunch of errands.
Austin
That’s okay, but I need you to proofread some contracts.
Austin
So plan on staying late.
Austin clocks Jordan, but doesn’t say anything to him.
Jordan
She’s feeling better…
Jordan
In case you were wondering.
He looks ready for a fight.
I turn to Austin, then Jordan.
Martha
Please don’t, okay?
Jordan backs down immediately.
Jordan
I’ll see you at home, Martha.
Austin is working at the conference table.
Papers are spread everywhere.
I enter with a stack of contracts…
And set them next to Austin.
He gives me a small smile.
I leave, but stop at the door.
Martha
Hey, I’m really sorry to interrupt your work.
Martha
But I need help putting something in my car.
Martha
And you’re the only person left in the office.
Austin and I awkwardly lift the bubble machine into my car.
Austin
Here, switch sides.
Austin comes to my side and relieves my weight.
Oh god, he smells so good.
Why does he have to smell so good?!
I shift to the other side, and slip for just a second.
Martha
I’m not going to puke or anything.
Austin
That’s not what I meant.
There’s an awkward pause…
Before we finally get the machine into the car.
Austin
What do you need this thing for, anyway?
Martha
My friends are shooting a music video this weekend.
Martha
Mr. James is letting me borrow it.
Austin
You should be careful, Martha.
Austin
You don’t want to get a bad reputation…
Austin
For working with amateurs.
Austin
Nice photo with the Lamborghini, by the way.
Austin
How did you happen to get your hands on one of those?
Austin
I’ve been low-key following your Insta.
I can feel myself blushing.
Martha
That’s Mr. James’ car.
Martha
Jordan and I were just playing around while I ran errands.
Austin
Well, Jordan’s definitely good at playin’ around.
Martha
Why do you hate him so much?
Austin
He didn’t tell you, did he?
Austin
No, of course he didn’t.
Austin
Jordan and I used to write together.
Austin
Yeah. Until he took a bunch of my music…
Austin
And claimed it as his own.
Martha
That doesn’t sound like him.
Austin
Well, you don’t really know him, do you?
Martha
Just like I don’t really know you.
Regret washes over Austin’s face.
He knows what I’m talking about.
Austin
Honestly, how are you feeling?
Martha
Much better. Thanks for finally asking.
Austin
I know it’s not an excuse…
Austin
But I’ve been stressed about Kiandra.
Austin
I have been meaning to see how you’re doing…
Austin
But after a couple of days went by…
Austin
It felt like it was too late.
I melt looking into his eyes.
Martha
It’s not too late.
Austin
I’m really sorry. Can we try again?
My quest for love is back on track.
Helping Jordan and Deb get set up for the music video.
I’m sitting on the studio floor…
I’m gluing sequins to a giant foam letter J, for Jordan.
Then I start daydreaming about Austin.
The hot glue starts to drop.
I turn and see Drew nearby.
He’s filling up the bubble machine.
Drew
You’re gonna burn yourself!
Drew
Dreaming about the Boho House boy?
Deb appears suddenly, with Katy.
Deb
I hope not! We’re done with Austin.
I haven’t told Deb that things are back on with him.
Drew
The bubble machine is ready to go.
Martha
I’m just about done.
Martha
You ready to dance?
Katy
I’ve rehearsed a lot since your show.
Katy
I know the number by heart.
Martha
And if you don’t, it’s video, so you can just do it again.
Martha
Unlike when you were live and you ruined the show.
Katy
Right. I’m gonna go grab a water.
Katy
See you on stage, Deb.
Deb gives me a disgusted look.
Martha
I was just being honest.
Looking awesome in his costume.
He’s grinning ear to ear.
Jordan
Deb! Let’s do this!
Jordan
Martha, I’m so glad you’re here.
Jordan
Did you drive the Lambo?
Martha
Come on, you have a music video to shoot!
Martha
And I have a sparkle curtain to shake!
I’m standing on a ladder shaking a sparkly curtain.
Drew and Deb appear at the bottom of the ladder.
Deb
Martha! Come on down!
Deb
I want you to see the video in action!
Martha
Who will shake the curtain?
I get down and Drew replaces me.
I walk with Deb over to the camera monitor…
Deb
I can’t wait for you to see this!
Deb
It’s coming together just like I pictured!
And as I watch the video being filmed…
I can’t help registering my disappointment.
The crew and Jordan take a break.
Martha
It just seems a bit…childish.
Martha
I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
Martha
I think it’s really fun…
Martha
So, like, don’t quit the shoot or anything.
Deb
Uh, don’t worry. We won’t.
Martha
Good, yeah, it’s fine.
Martha
It’s just that it’s not very cool.
Martha
I hope I don’t sound like a stuck-up agent.
Martha
The thing is, in this industry, “cool” really does matter.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see Jordan.
Before I can say anything, he walks away.
Deb
I see. So I take it you won’t be sharing this…
Deb
With the other stuck-up agents?
Martha
You expected me to share this?
Deb
I did, before I realized we were so childish and “uncool” for you.
Martha
So this whole time…
Martha
You were just planning on using me?
Martha
No wonder you encouraged me to take the internship.
Deb
I thought it was a stupid idea!
Deb
You gave up a real chemistry internship to fetch coffees…
Deb
Just so you could get a boyfriend!
Deb
And how’s that turning out?
Martha
Great! I’m seeing Austin again.
Deb
Why? He didn’t make you feel bad enough?
Martha
He’s been super stressed about the Kiandra stuff…
Martha
Which is a big deal.
Martha
Not that you would understand.
Deb
Oh, I understand, because that’s all you ever talk about now:
Deb
Austin and Kiandra. Even Tilla!
Deb
Why don’t you go be best friends with them?!
Deb
You’re just a Basic B now anyway.
This hits me to the core.
I realize that everyone on the set is staring at us…
I walk out of the soundstage in silence.
Lying on my bed, reading…
When I hear the front door open and shut…
Followed by the voices of Deb, Drew, and Jordan…
Celebrating the completion of the video shoot.
A few minutes later, my phone dings.
Austin
Don’t party too hard tonight.
Austin
We have an early A.M. with Kiandra tomorrow 😴
The others are still partying downstairs.
I put my pillow over my head…
I’m at the campus radio building…
Getting ready for Kiandra’s live concert.
A line of Kiandra’s fans waits outside the building.
I walk down the line with a clipboard…
Looking for a couple of fans to interview.
I select two college girls…
Both of whom are wearing temporary tattoos that say “Kiandra.”
Martha
Hi! Are you two interested in doing a quick interview about today’s concert?
College Girl #2
OMG me too!
Martha
Great! So you’re obviously here because you’re Kiandra fans.
Martha
What do you love most about her?
College Girl #2
Honestly, I haven’t listened to much of her new music.
College Girl #2
But I loved her first album.
College Girl #1
That’s what I was gonna say!
College Girl #1
Her second album was good…
College Girl #1
But it sounded so much like Rihanna.
College Girl #2
Yeah, and then she went all Selena Gomez after that.
College Girl #1
Oh totally.
The line starts moving forward.
College Girl #1
Oh good, the line’s moving!
Martha
Enjoy the concert!
Inside the campus radio building…
Kiandra sits on a small stage…
Being interviewed by a college radio station host.
A crowd of about 20 people sits on the floor…
Austin, Tilla, and I are standing along the back wall…
Along with Kiandra’s manager, Lance.
College Radio Host
What would you say is your biggest inspiration?
Kiandra
Not to get too sentimental, but my fans.
Kiandra
They send me love letters and pictures of kittens…
Kiandra
And tell me how certain albums changed their lives.
Kiandra
They’re like friends, honestly.
Martha
Her persona right now feels so Taylor Swift…
Martha
And not at all like the Kiandra I met.
Austin
We’ve decided to focus on the “sexy big sister” type for this album.
Austin
A little more soft, cozy, and cutesy.
Austin
Oooh I should definitely push into Taylor’s market.
Austin
Thanks for the idea!
Martha
That wasn’t my point.
But Austin is typing into his phone…
And no longer paying attention to me.
College Radio Host
Kiandra, thank you so much for chatting with me!
College Radio Host
Stick around, everyone.
College Radio Host
Kiandra will sing a few songs off her new album.
Lance heads over to Kiandra to get her ready to sing.
Austin turns his attention back to me.
Austin
So, how was the shoot yesterday?
Austin
Is the music video going to be any good?
Martha
Honestly? The idea for the shoot seemed a bit childish.
Austin
I’m not surprised.
Austin
Jordan has bad taste.
Martha
Well, I didn’t think it was bad exactly—
Lance
Shoes, shoes! I need shoes!!
Tilla
Kiandra’s shoe just broke…
Tilla
And she’s about to sing.
Austin
I’ll have someone go buy a pair.
Lance
There isn’t time for that.
Martha
She’s size seven, just like me. Here.
Martha
I have some sandals in my bag that I can wear.
Lance
Cute shoes! These will work!
Lance takes my shoes to Kiandra.
Tilla and Austin look surprised.
Austin
How did you know Kiandra’s shoe size?
Martha
I’ve been researching her.
Martha
It was an assignment from your dad…
Martha
To help understand her slump.
Austin
That’s news to me.
Tilla
I own a pair that looks exactly like those.
Tilla
Are you also researching me, psycho?
Austin
Hah! She’s so angry.
Austin
Are you kidding? You saved the day!
Martha
Isn’t that a good thing?
Austin
Depends on who you’re asking.
Austin
I think it deserves a celebratory drink.
Austin
Tonight. After this.
Martha
Mmmmmmm……I’m kinda tired.
Martha
I don’t really feel like getting dressed up and going out.
Austin
We can have the drink back at my place.
Austin
I promise, no need to get dressed up…
Austin
Or dressed at all.
Austin is giving me a tour of his apartment.
It’s on the top floor of a high-rise, with a view of LA.
He’s pointing out things in his apartment:
A guitar, a hat, and a magnum of champagne.
Austin
John Mayer played that guitar on his first tour.
Austin
Billie Eilish mailed that hat to me last week — inside joke.
Austin
And Kanye and Kim sent that champagne as a thank you after the GRAMMYs.
Martha
Wow, all your friends are famous.
Austin
Well, not all of them.
Martha
And your apartment is amazing.
Austin
Thanks. It took two years…
Austin
But, it’s exactly the way I want it.
Austin
A beautiful woman to share it with.
Austin takes my drink out of my hand and sets it aside.
Austin
Martha, I know I already apologized…
Austin
But I want to say it again.
Austin
I’m sorry I was a jerk last weekend.
See, he’s apologizing again!
If only Deb could hear this.
Then she would realize that he’s not actually a jerk.
Austin
I should have driven you home and held your hair back…
Austin
Regardless of the situation.
Austin
You must have felt awful being all alone.
But I wasn’t alone. I had Jordan.
Of course I don’t say that out loud.
Austin
But knowing now that it was Tilla who poisoned your drink…
Austin
And not that you couldn’t handle your liquor—
Austin
I thought you figured it out by now.
Austin
I overheard her telling Laura…
Austin
That she slipped something into your drink at Boho House.
Austin
Hey, hey, let it go.
Austin
I’ve forgiven you for puking on me.
Austin
And you’ve forgiven me for…my stuff.
Austin
Listen, it’s behind us.
Austin
What matters is what’s next.
And soon I forget all about Tilla.
Austin
There’s still one more room on this tour.
Austin
Would you like me to show you?
And head towards the bedroom door.
As I do so, I take off one of my earrings.
Martha
I bet I can find it myself.
Martha
And then, I want you to make good on your promise.
I take off the other earring.
Martha
You said that tonight there was no need to get dressed.
Austin makes his way over to me.
Austin
I always make good on my promises.
He takes his shirt off, and kisses me deeply.
Then he takes me into the bedroom…
And lays me onto his bed.
Austin
Tell me what you like.
Austin
No…I mean…what you like.
Then his head moves down.
And I give myself over to sheer pleasure.
