Sam
Mom, I showed you yesterday.
Mom
itstoohardtechnologyisconfusing
Sam
It’s right in the middle on the bottom of your screen.
Mom
OH THERE IT IS. NOW I GET IT.
Sam
Mom, you put caps lock on.
Sam
It sounds like you’re yelling.
Mom
I THINK I’M REALLY STARTING TO GET THE HANG OF THIS.
Sam
I’ll talk to you later, I have to go to class.
Mom
OKAY, SWEETIE I LOVE YOU STUDY HARD AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES. YOUR FATHER AND I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND MISS YOU. BE CAREFUL. IT’S HUMID HERE, HOPING FOR RAIN. I’M GOING TO THE STORE TODAY. YOUR BROTHERS SAY HI. LOVE YOU, MOM.
Sam
I’m going to class, not overseas.
Mom
I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Mom
Nearest grocery store
Sam
I see you figured out caps lock.
Sam
Mom, this isn’t Google.
Mom
Thongs for old ladies
Mom
Samantha, I think you have caps lock on.
Sam
JUST TYPE IN GOOGLE, THEN WHAT YOU’RE SEARCHING FOR
Mom
Thongs and sex for old ladies
Mom
There’s that monkey again!
Sam
Why are you googling this stuff, Mom? You’re not that old.
Mom
I’m just humping a friend.
Mom
Humping a friend! You’re a nice girl, you do it all the time!
Mom
Helping. Why did it change. The google has a dirty mind.
Sam
That’s not Google, Mom. That’s autocorrect. It fixes typos.
Sam
What do you think Google is?
Mom
Well erotic contact is dirty. But I can see how it could be helpful.
Sam
Yeah, sure, with repopulation and whatnot.
Sam
Not sure why you’re discussing that with your daughter, though.
Mom
Do you remember Susan from my bridge club.
Mom
Her husband passed away.
Sam
Aw, that’s so sad! Give her my condolences!
Mom
And now she wants to get back in the sack.
Sam
You’re not allowed to text me anymore.
Mom
So I’m helping her with the google because I’m better at technology.
Sam
A dead pigeon stuck to a power line is better at technology.
Sam
And it’s just “Google”.
Mom
Don’t be rude, Samantha.
Mom
Be a part of the solution, not the problem.
Mom
Can you google “kinky toys” for Susan?
Mom
Samantha, respond to your mother.
Mom
Samantha where is the question mark on my phone
Sam
Some phones don’t have one. You have to type in the word “question mark”.
Mom
Why are these phones so complicated question mark
Mom
It didn’t work question mark
Sam
Hahaha this is great.
Sam
I think I’ve found a new hobby.
Mom
Just tell me where the question mark is Samantha.
Sam
I think I’ve helped you enough with technology today, Mom.
Mom
Samantha, I’m your mother.
Sam
Which is exactly why I don’t think I should be helping your elderly bridge friend get laid.
Mom
Fine, I’ll text your brother.
Mom
Your sister is being such a bitch.
Sam
MOM! You’re still texting me!
Mom
I accidentally just texted your sister that she’s being a bitch. She is, though.
Mom
Samantha, how do I text your brother.
Sam
I think you’ll have better luck with Siri.
Mom
Is that Tom Cruise’s daughter
Sam
You almost know Tom Cruise’s daughter’s name, but you don’t know how to type a question mark?
Mom
Why are you being so sassy
Sam
Was that a question? I couldn’t tell.
Mom
You know it was a question, Samantha.
Sam
I think you need to make better use of the period.
Mom
You’re so cruel to your only mother.
Sam
I could have at least three other mothers you don’t know about.
Mom
You’re a strange child. How is that even possible?
Mom
?????????????????????????
Sam
Next step: caveman build wheel. Burn fire. Grunt words.
Mom
Some days I wish I left you at an orphanage.
Sam
I would have been an adorable orphan. Annie status.
Mom
I could have ran away to a tropical island.
Sam
How do you run to an island?
Mom
You’re the mailman’s daughter.
Mom
He left you in the mailbox and never looked back.
Sam
No wonder I like khakis so much…
Mom
I envy that mailman. He must live such a wonderful, carefree life.
Sam
And that explains my insatiable urge to bring people magazines…
Mom
Okay, I feel a little bad now. You’re not that big of a weirdo, sweetie.
Sam
Thanks, Mom. And you’re getting (slightly) better with your phone.
Mom
By the way, I accidentally sent Susan’s kinky toys to your dorm address.
Mom
They should arrive in 2-3 business days.
Mom
You’re an awful child.
