Eena
No. But can you help me?
Tina
Don’t know any EENA. Who R U?
Tina
Well, I am in Starbucks.
Eena
They are coming to get me.
Tina
OK, I’ll play. Who is?
Eena
Three men. In masks!
Eena
No joke. Please help me.
Tina
Eena is not a name. Who is this?
Eena
Mmm. My name! Please help.
Tina
Mmm. Thinking soy latte. Grande.
Tina
Want me to call the cops for you?
Eena
NO DON’T CALL THEM. Come, please!
Tina
How do U know my name?
Tina
Sorry. Just put my soy latte order in.
Eena
Please! I’m in the old VW bus across the street!
Tina
That old thing with painted over windows?
Eena
They are holding me hostage in here.
Eena
Told you. Three men. Masks.
Eena
Only one is here now. Sleeping. We can take him, Tina.
Tina
Really? Hearing superhero theme music.
Eena
Together. Maybe. Please hurry.
Tina
Wow. So…how did U get my number? And my name?
Tina
And U randomly got someone across the street from U?
Eena
Okay, I am lying about random. But I AM in danger.
Eena
Didn’t dial randomly. I have a device that picks up nearby numbers.
Tina
No way! That exists?
Eena
And shows the name. It was in Wired last month.
Eena
He’s waking up. OMG.
Tina
U want the police. Not me. Calling now.
Tina
But U want ME to come into that van?
Tina
Pun. Soy. Get it? Also…“ I am not stupid” in Spanish.
Eena
Not funny. I may die.
Tina
We R all going to die.
Tina
Two options. Stop texting me. Or accept my offer to call the police.
Eena
There is another way.
Tina
Calling now. And…My soy latte is here.
Tina
Oh, hell. They put regular milk.
Tina
OK your van is rocking now. What is going on in there?
Tina
Hold on. They’re remaking my latte. Soy. SOY. They are idiots.
Eena
You are heartless. Unbelievable!
Tina
Who is unbelievable? Unless U R driving, U can’t be texting and dying at the same time.
Eena
You are a very entitled young woman.
Tina
Wait. Aren’t U a young woman?!!
Tina
Cause I assumed…. From UR tone of voice.
Tina
Not to mention UR girly sounding name. Eena.
Tina
WHAT?????!?!!!!????!!!!
Tina
What color was my baby blanket?
Eena
Pink with Hello Kitty.
Tina
It’s been what, 10 years?
Tina
U R now going by “Eena”?
Tina
Tell me U didn’t do a Caitlin Jenner on me.
Tina
And RU really in that ridiculous van?
Eena
I came to reunite with my baby girl.
Eena
Tina, I need to see you.
Tina
Hold on. My latte is here.
Tina
So, Dad. Why all this craziness?
Tina
If U see me, why not come over HERE?
Tina
Oh, silence. Typical.
Tina
U can’t just pick up w me. U LEFT US!
Eena
Things were getting too hot.
Tina
Birthdays? Christmas? Card too hard 4 U?
Eena
I’m sorry. I had to run.
Tina
Yeah. Too bad UR a criminal.
Eena
I’m here for you now.
Tina
Yeah, in a serial murderer van.
Eena
Come on! The Hello Kitty!
Eena
Come here to the van. I’ve changed.
Tina
Somebody taught me not to get into cars with strangers. Wait. I think that might have been you.
Eena
Don’t get smart with me, young lady.
Tina
Hey! Biological dad! Be happy for me!
Eena
Biological? You have another dad?
Tina
But Mom can’t marry him cause she couldn’t find U to divorce U.
Tina
Not about you. They got my latte right. SOY milk! Double shot.
Tina
Oops. Out of Splenda. Hold on.
Eena
Kind of in a rush here.
Tina
Parking meter run out? Aw.
Eena
Honey I’m giving you to a count of three.
Tina
Wait! She’s gone back to get some.
Tina
Oh, she brought the blue ones instead.
Tina
Hold your horses. What’s the rush?
Eena
You called the cops.
Eena
The COPS. I said NOT TO DO THAT.
Tina
That a problem because?
Tina
U should have known.
Tina
U always said I never listened 2 U, Dad.
