Richard
Erlich, I'm at the starting line, ready for a pep talk.
Richard
Erlich? You there?
Erlich
Hang on. Just spilled bong water on my phone.
Erlich
Okay, I'm back. Where are you now?
Richard
At the Silicon Valley Obstacle Course, remember?
Erlich
My god, Richard. A physical fitness activity? There's no way you'll win.
Richard
Um, good pep talk?
Erlich
I mean, come on. When was the last time you lifted a weight?
Richard
Well there was that one time...
Erlich
A Coke can doesn't count.
Erlich
Is Gavin there too?
Richard
Yeah, we're up against each other.
Erlich
Shit. This is bad.
Richard
But I can take him! I beat him in court when he sued us, didn't I?
Erlich
Richard, this is not a lawsuit. Gavin is strong. He works out 12 times a week.
Richard
12?! But that's more times than there are
Erlich
Days? Yes, that's right. And he kite surfs.
Richard
I can fly a kite while I surf the web too!
Erlich
Great. We're doomed. The only person you need to do better than in this competition is Gavin Belson and he's the one you're up against.
Richard
I know. Maybe I can switch with someone else? I saw Sergey Brin around here...
Erlich
The Google co-founder? He's a semi-professional ultimate frisbee player! You're toast, Richard. Just raise a white flag now.
Richard
I can't give up. I have to beat Gavin! Help me through this course, Erlich.
Erlich
Okay, I'll do my best. But I'm up against some pretty shitty genetics here.
Richard
Not true. I must have an athlete in my family somewhere...
Erlich
Sure you do. Maybe an uncle who was the target in a carnival dunk booth?
Richard
Let's think positive.
Richard
Just being around these guys is making me feel athletic.
Erlich
Okay. I'll play along. Go with that energy! You are an athlete. Say it, Richard!
Richard
I could be an athlete! Maybe.
Erlich
We'll work on that confidence. What's the first obstacle?
Richard
Gavin and I have to run through a field of discarded computers. It's almost go-time. What should my plan be?
Richard
WTF? What does that matter?
Erlich
Just tell me. Mac or PC?
Richard
Mac? Yeah, I think I see an Apple IIe at the front of the pile here.
Erlich
Perfect. You have to channel Steve Jobs in this challenge. This is one where brains will matter more than brawn.
Richard
That's an advantage for me!
Erlich
What's Gavin look like he's doing?
Richard
He's got these metal-crushing shoes he just put on. Shit! There's a tool basket here that I totally neglected!!
Erlich
Crap! Tell me what's in it.
Richard
There's a pair of white gloves, an axe, a feather duster, a condom, and roller skates.
Erlich
Hmm...interesting.
Richard
It's a brain teaser right? Gavin's already got the metal crusher shoes...that would do a ton of damage through the computers. He’ll crush this one. Shit!
Erlich
That's it! Steve Jobs would never want his precious Macs to be destroyed. Grab the gloves!
Richard
What? How will that help me?
Erlich
Don't you see? You have to delicately pick up and move each of the computers.
Richard
But then Gavin will be faster than me!
Erlich
What's the object of this obstacle?
Richard
The sign says "get through the pile of computers"
Erlich
Does it say "as fast as you can?"
Erlich
As I suspected. This isn't a test of speed, this is a test of respect for a Silicon Valley legend. The incomparable, the visionary, the
Richard
Yes, yes. Steve Jobs. I know. Your hero.
Erlich
Watch your attitude, Richard! Respect the Mac. Go!!
Richard
Gavin is just plowing through these machines. I hope you're right about the goal here. Cuz I'm getting creamed on speed.
Richard
I'm literally picking up old Mac machines and placing them gingerly out of my way.
Richard
It doesn't feel like a race. It feels like I'm sorting your recycling bin.
Richard
Gavin finished and had a chia smoothie. I’m not even done yet!
Richard
He's high-fiving all the people around him...
Richard
Tim Cook is the judge of this round!
Erlich
Yes!!! There's no way the Apple CEO will name the dude who crushed a bunch of Macs the winner.
Richard
I won!!! Omg! I could actually win this whole thing!
Erlich
Let's not get ahead of ourselves. What's the next challenge?
Erlich
Fine fine. Go get 'em, champ.
Erlich
Any basket of tools this time? Like a motorized scooter?
Richard
Nope, this one is all about speed.
Erlich
You broke both your legs.
Erlich
How did you manage that?!
Richard
Gavin had chia bloat or something. Couldn't get his legs moving fast enough.
Richard
OMG, even better news.
Erlich
Gavin is forfeiting?
Richard
The next challenge is coding.
Erlich
There's no way Gavin knows how to code.
Erlich
What's in your tool basket?
Richard
condom again, some guy, a sandwich...
Erlich
Wait, some guy? Who?
Richard
I dunno. Nobody important.
Richard
You're right! Shit, Gavin just got the guy. Gavin’s not even sitting at the computer.
Erlich
It's worse than I thought. Some Guy is subbing in for Gavin. Confirm?
Richard
Yup, you nailed it. What do I do? He's probably a 10xer.
Erlich
Then we've got a real competition here.
Richard
Damn, it's time to write some code.
Erlich
Grab the sandwich from the tool basket?
Erlich
Are you still coding?
Richard
Yeah, furiously. I'm so tired and hungry.
Richard
Of course! It's about endurance.
Erlich
Eat with one hand and code with the other!
Richard
Some Guy is taking a snack break! Snack break!
Erlich
Don't stop those fingers!
Richard
Switching sandwich hands now.
Erlich
How's it going? Did you submit yet?
Erlich
What kind of code did you have to write anyway?
Richard
An algorithm for lossless compression. Can you believe it? I already had it all in my head!
Erlich
You mean the algorithm your company is based on?
Erlich
The algorithm Gavin's company Hooli is trying to copy but can't?
Erlich
Who's the sponsor of this obstacle course?
Richard
Let me check. Hooli!!
Erlich
We just got played! Mother fuckers! They have the entire algorithm they've been wanting. Straight from the source!!
Richard
I should've taken the condom, right?
Erlich
Sure. Like you'd ever need that.
