Joe
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Chappy
Jess. I’m at the park.
Joe
Chappy, it’s not Jess. She’s in Cali.
Chappy
Dude, it’s Jess. I’m like 64 feet away. That’s her. I can see her nipple piercing from here.
Chappy
No, no, I just wanted to remind you she has a nipple piercing.
Chappy
From the time we hooked up.
Joe
Yes, right, right, I remember now. Highlight of my night.
Chappy
Well, what do I do?
Joe
You let the poor girl go on with her day without a crazy person watching her.
Chappy
This girl lied to me.
Chappy
That she was moving to California.
Chappy
The morning after we did the dirty.
Chappy
I’m...I’m in love.
Joe
I would go confess your love then.
Chappy
No, not yet. I have to do some recon first.
Joe
I was joking, Corporal.
Joe
Don’t call me when you get arrested.
Joe
I’m going to assume your prison husband doesn’t let you use the phone.
Chappy
Sorry, I lost her for a second. Had to keep a safe distance back.
Joe
I’m currently imagining you hiding behind a fire hydrant.
Chappy
Did a little bit of that. Now I’m behind a tree. A baby girl looked at me funny. I flipped her off.
Chappy
She’s going into a cafe.
Chappy
Yes, the baby. With a top hat, cane, and a monocle.
Chappy
You do know I’m talking about Jess, right?
Joe
Yes, but I really do wish it was the top hat baby.
Chappy
Why does it matter?
Joe
I don’t know, I just want to set the scene in my mind.
Chappy
Brinkley’s on 18th. You happy?
Joe
Not really, that place has the soggiest french fries.
Chappy
I’m posting up across the street.
Joe
Keep me updated, I’m on the edge of my seat.
Chappy
A guy just sat down with her!
Chappy
I think she’s on a date.
Joe
Aw. Wanna go lock yourself in your room and listen to the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack?
Chappy
Hell no. I want to know what this guy’s got over me!
Joe
Morals? Sobriety? Not a stalker?
Chappy
I’m gonna get closer.
Joe
A proper education? Friends? A life?
Chappy
I took a seat outside. Doing the “hide-my-face-with-a-menu” thing.
Joe
A career? Dreams? Someone that loves you?
Chappy
Okay, that last one was a bit cold.
Joe
Yeah, I felt bad as I sent that.
Chappy
Ugh. She seems so invested.
Joe
What’s the guy look like?
Chappy
Tall. A little old, but in a refined way. Like he’s got that salt and pepper hair thing going on.
Chappy
Yeah, seriously, if I’m 45 and have hair like that - woof.
Chappy
I think he saw me staring at him as I texted that.
Joe
What are you gonna do?
Chappy
I went to the bathroom.
Chappy
It just seemed like the least sketchy thing to do, you know?
Chappy
Normal people go to the bathroom. That’s a normal people thing.
Joe
Are you using the bathroom?
Chappy
Kind of just sitting here with my pants down.
Chappy
Maybe a little tinkle.
Chappy
I’m just going to sit in here until I muster up the courage to go talk to her.
Joe
Chappy, we’re friends right?
Joe
I’m going to give you some advice. This got weird 20 minutes ago. You should quit now.
Joe
Before you interrupt miss nipple-piercing's and the nice salt-haired man’s date.
Chappy
Joe - have I ever told you the story of what my dad told me when I was a kid?
Joe
Oh god, not this again.
Chappy
See, one day, when I was a little boy, my dad came home from work...
Joe
Every time you’re about to do something stupid, you quote this story as if it admonishes you of all responsibility.
Chappy
...and he sat me down on his lap, real fatherly like
Joe
This is extra weird that you’re texting this with your pants down.
Chappy
...and you know what he said?
Joe
😒 ...what did he say?
Chappy
Are you a pansy, son?
Chappy
And you know what I said?
Joe
I’m half curious, half terrified of what you’re going to do.
Chappy
DADDY, I AIN’T NO PANSY!!!
Joe
How’d it go, big guy?
Chappy
It wasn’t Jess. Turns out I don’t remember that night all that well.
Chappy
Got a little awkward when I told her dad she had a nipple ring.
Joe
Well I’m proud of you, buddy.
