PETalk
Hello! Thank you for volunteering to beta test our PETalk app!
PETalk
Please enter the name and type of pets you have.
Sam
Well, there’s my cat, Helga.
Sam
Jerald, my golden retriever.
Sam
And Ignacio, my hamster.
PETalk
Thanks! Please hold while we submit data for translation purposes.
PETalk
Translation compositions are complete!
PETalk
Please point your phone’s camera at the desired animal.
PETalk
Next, begin a conversation with your pet!
Sam points his camera at his cat, Helga.
A text bubble appears on the screen.
Sam
Am I really talking to my cat?
Sam
There’s no way this app is real…
Helga
Whatever. Do you want something or can I go?
Sam
Let’s see if this is legit. What’s your favorite food?
Sam
How’d you know that?!
Helga
It’s my favorite food.
Helga
I think I’d know my own favorite food.
Sam
What did you chew last week?
Helga
Your headphones. They were disgusting. Do you ever use q-tips?
Sam
No! Helga, did you destroy the couch while I was gone this weekend?
Helga
Destroy the couch? I’m not a monster.
Sam
Did you see who did it?
Helga
No. I was enjoying some solitude in my tower.
Helga
Ask the mutt. I’m sure it was him. Goodbye.
Sam
Helga! Wait, I have something else to ask you!
Helga has already trotted off back to her tower.
Sam calls out for his dog, Jerald, who comes running into the room.
Sam points his camera at the excited pup.
Sure enough, a text bubble appears on the screen.
Jerald
SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM! HI! HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU GOOD?
Jerald
I FOUND A BONE! YOU WANNA SEE IT? YOU WANNA TASTE IT?
Sam
Whoa Jerald, calm down buddy.
Sam
Jerald, can you turn down the energy level?
Jerald
SORRY. I MEAN sorry. I just am so excited to see you!
Jerald
I’ve already done so much. You want to see what I did?
Sam
Jerald, focus here buddy.
Jerald
A HOLE. I dug a hole!
Jerald
It is the most beautiful hole you’ll ever see.
Sam
Did you destroy the couch this weekend while I was gone?
Jerald
Couch? I love the couch, it’s so soft and cushiony and it smells like you…
Jerald
But no, I didn’t hurt the couch.
Sam
But wait — if you didn’t chew it up, how you’d know it was soft?
Jerald
OK! I sat on it but only because Ignacio said I could!
Jerald
He said it, I promise!
Sam
Why did he tell you that?
Jerald
I don’t know? I only sat there for a minute I swear!
Jerald
Then a squirrel ran by—
Jerald
Then I ran to the yard—
Jerald
Then I tried to bite the tree down because the squirrel ran up into the tree.
Sam
It’s okay buddy, thanks for your help.
Jerald
I gotta go! Have to find a bone.
Jerald bolts out of the room.
Sam
Well, Helga was no help at all.
Sam
Jerald says he didn’t do it.
Sam
Maybe Ignacio knows what happened…
Sam points his camera at his hamster, Ignacio.
Once more, a text bubble appears on the screen.
Sam
I’m just wondering if you’d answer some questions for me.
Ignacio
Anything for you darlin’.
Sam
Did you see who destroyed the couch?
Sam
It was a mess when I got home—
Sam
Stuffing everywhere, the pillows all torn open.
Sam
Jerald said you told him he could sit on it.
Ignacio
Hmmm. Sounds familiar. But it seems my memory is escaping me.
Ignacio
Perhaps if I had some cheese, things would start comin’ back, ya know?
Ignacio
I’ve never been so serious in my life.
Sam grabs some cheese from the fridge and places it in front of Ignacio.
Ignacio
Yeah. Things are startin’ to come back to me.
Sam
So you remember who did it?
Ignacio
You looky here sugar. I told the dog he could sit on the couch…
Ignacio
But that’s it. I didn’t tell him to go all crazy and rip it to shreds.
Sam
Can you just tell me what happened, Ignacio?
Ignacio
Okay, okay, calm down.
Ignacio
So that cat of yours. She’s up to no good.
Ignacio
I’m not sayin’ she did the deed, but…
Ignacio
I’d bet this cheese that she’s the brains behind this whole operation.
Ignacio
Miss fancy paws was over there doing her nails…
Ignacio
Then comes the prancing poodle. Chased fancy paws right off the couch.
Ignacio
I don’t think she took too kindly to that.
Sam
So, then what happened?
Ignacio
I see her say somethin’ to the doggy…
Ignacio
Next thing I know…he’s on the couch, flailing around…
Ignacio
Feathers everywhere. The whole living room covered in them.
Sam
Okay, so it was Jerald. Thanks Ignacio…
Ignacio
Anything for you sweets.
Jerald
HEY! HI! HEY! I MISSED YOU! IT’S BEEN LIKE 5 MINUTES!
Sam
Jerald, I know what you did.
Sam
Stop giving me those eyes! It’s not going to work.
Jerald
I didn’t mean to…it all happened so fast.
Sam
Why didn’t you tell me Jerald?
Jerald
I didn’t want you to be mad at me.
Jerald
Helga was there and she was sharpening her claws…
Jerald
I wanted to play but she did NOT.
Jerald
Then she said there was a bone in the couch so I jumped on the couch…
Jerald
I looked and it smelled like it was inside the couch so then I bit the couch but I didn’t see it…
Sam
Wait…so Helga told you there was a bone in the couch?
Jerald
But I still haven’t found it.
Sam
I’ll be right back. I have to go talk to Helga again.
Sam goes over to Helga’s tower and points his camera at her.
Helga stays still, feigning sleep.
She slowly blinks her eyes open.
Sam
Why did you tell Jerald there was a bone in the couch?
Helga
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Helga
You’ll have to be more specific.
Sam
Did you plan this Helga? Did you frame Jerald?
Helga
Why do I knock over your cups of water?
Helga
Why do I stare at you while you sleep?
Helga
Why do I chew on the electrical cords?
Helga’s text bubbles stop appearing for a moment…
PETalk
Thank you for completing the beta test for PETalk!
PETalk
Unfortunately you have reached the end of the trial.
PETalk
We’ll be in touch soon to survey your experience!
PETalk
We hope you enjoyed talking with your fluffy best friends!
Sam
You’ve got to be kidding me…
