Fabio
Yo Yo Homey, wassup?
Randy
I’m at the movies, seeing QUEST FOR BLOOD.
Fabio
For reals? What theater?
Randy
Kew Gardens Midway 17.
Fabio
I’m here too, I’m seeing THE MAN FROM DEATH ISLAND!
Randy
I saw that, it’s tragically bad, man.
Randy
Indeed. Nowhere near as good as DEATH ISLAND RISES.
Fabio
Aww man. All right, maybe I’ll find my way to you.
Randy
Nah, don’t worry about it.
Fabio
What do you mean don’t worry? You don’t wanna meet up with me? I’m still smartin’ after the break up with Eva.
Randy
I’m here on a date, homes.
Fabio
You took a girl to see QUEST FOR DEATH?
Randy
Why not. Some girls are cool!
Fabio
Yo, I wanna meet this chick.
Randy
Dude, enjoy DEATH ISLAND.
Fabio
You just said it sucked!
Randy
Stop texting me during the movie!
Fabio
So are you making out with her???
Fabio
So dude, why are you texting me if you’re making out with her???
Randy
Here’s where I text “sigh.”
Fabio
Dude?? I haven’t kissed a gal since Eva. Are her lips like cherry wine?
Fabio
Dude?? Don’t ignore me, this movie sucks, I can’t follow it.
Fabio
OK, I’m in the next theater. It’s something called THE MAIMER.
Randy
Sounds pretty good.
Fabio
Oh, wait, Nicolas Cage is in it. It must suck. I’m outta here!
Fabio
Yo, I’m in QUEST FOR BLOOD. I don’t see you.
Randy
That’s cuz it’s a dark theater!
Fabio
Use flashlight on your phone, lemme find you.
Randy
Get out of here! I’m here with a girl!
Fabio
This place is crowded, this movie must be good. It smells nice in here, too!
Fabio
Can you believe it, some automaton in a red jacket is asking me to leave!
Fabio
I bought a ticket, FREEDOM OF SPEECH or whatever!
Fabio
Yo, you there, dude?
Fabio
Dude. There you be?
Fabio
(Pretend I said that in a Yoda voice)
Randy
I’m here, WTF do you want?
Fabio
They threw me out, but there’s a fire escape, I’m on the roof. I’m coming back in!
Fabio
QUEST FOR BLOOD looked good!
Randy
Just leave me alone!
Fabio
Yo I just searched the whole theater. You ain’t in here!
Randy
Will you stop texting me? We switched theaters.
Fabio
Yo, I just realized why QUEST FOR BLOOD smelled so good! That’s that perfume Eva uses, “Underwater Romance.”
Randy
OK, last text: I’m sure more than one girl wears “underwater romance”
Fabio
You’re with Eva! I’m gonna find you and punch your chest so hard your heart flies outta your mouth!
Fabio
Ok I found the chick flick. ROSES FOR HER. I know she dragged you in here, to escape my wrath!
Randy
Dude, leave me alone!
Fabio
You know, this is pretty good. It’s messed up what that guy is doing to Reese Witherspoon.
Fabio
I’m kinda misty-eyed. Reese has cancer and her husband left her, but she’s a survivor, man!!!
Randy
This is a side of you I don’t know, Fabio.
Fabio
OK that got too real! Back to killing you!
Fabio
They’re trying to throw me out again!
Fabio
Ha! I’m quick like ninja!
Fabio
I know where you are. BABY GUPPIES ON THE TWINKLE TRAIL.
Fabio
Find a kid’s movie that no one is in, and make out with Eva there!
Fabio
I found you two! Ha buddy, enjoy this!
Randy
What are you talking about?
Fabio
I just poured a soda on your head.
Fabio
I know. Turns out someone else brought his girl into BABY GUPPIES to make out.
Fabio
I didn’t know we had a Hell’s Angels chapter in our town, but his vest indicates otherwise.
Fabio
Yeah, I ran out in the lobby, QUEST FOR BLOOD is letting out, so it’s crowded.
Fabio
He’s beating on some random stranger.
Fabio
Why Eva, buddy. Why Eva???
Randy
She didn’t want to stay with you. Thought you were crazy.
Fabio
Crazy people need love to. Now which theater are you in?
Randy
I ain’t telling you.
Fabio
I know, that’s why I got up to the projection booth.
Fabio
I’m gonna turn up the houselights in all the theaters and ferret you out!
Fabio
Lights up! Boom! KILLER STANDS ALONE! Boom! SPACE CADETS! Boom! UNFINISHED BUSINESS…
Randy
Are you really crazy?? Get out of there!
Fabio
Man, I’ve only seen 90 seconds of UNFINISHED BUSINESS, but Meryl Streep is great in anything!
Randy
Where’s the projectionist???
Fabio
The place is fully automated. The future, man. The future. Machines taking over everything. TERMINATOR, man!
Randy
You better get out of there!
Fabio
Yeah, they’re pounding at the door. But I turned the lights up in all the theaters but one. THE MAIMER!
Fabio
Yes you are. You picked a Nicolas Cage film knowing it would be terrible...
Fabio
...and Eva would be bored, and have no choice but to make out with you!
Randy
Fabio, I’m not in there!
Fabio
OK I made it in! I squeezed through the little projection window, it turns out they’re big enough to squeeze through.
Randy
I’ll file that for future use.
Fabio
So I forgot to turn the house lights up before I did that. This would be easier with the lights up.
Fabio
Still, you’re going down, man!
Randy
OK, you win. I am in the theater. But I’m not in the Nic Cage film.
Fabio
I know. It turns out the only guy here is Nic Cage himself.
Fabio
Nic Cage is sitting here alone in the third row, weeping softly.
Randy
Aww. Weird. Well, tell him I loved him in THE ROCK.
Fabio
I told him. He nodded slightly, but his face is in his hands.
Randy
Look. Come out in the lobby. I want to talk to you.
Fabio
Nah, me and Nic are discussing this movie we’re gonna make together about my adventures tonight.
Fabio
He’s gonna play me, and I’m gonna play you. We’re gonna shoot in Romania.
Fabio
Call it THEATER OF PAIN. Or TEAR-COVERED POPCORN.
Randy
Catchy titles. Look, me and Eva are gonna go.
Fabio
Ahh go ahead. We’re spitballing titles now. Whadya think of YOUR TICKET OR YOUR HEART?
Randy
Wait, where is Eva???
Fabio
I don’t know, you tell me.
Randy
She was here a minute ago.
Fabio
Follow the “Underwater Romance”
Fabio
Nic thinks he should do a sequel to LEAVING LOS VEGAS where he comes back to life as an alcoholic vampire.
Randy
Eva’s leaving with the Hells Angel and his girlfriend!
Fabio
Both girls can fit on the back of his bike???
Randy
No. He’s got a sidecar. ☹
Fabio
Huh. Apparently he’s prepared for situations like this. Nic says “Goodnight,” buddy.
