Dating Guru
Welcome to the Dating Guru™ love app.
Dating Guru
I am your A.I. matchmaker.
Dating Guru
You may call me Guru.
Emily
Hi Guru. I have to say, I don’t know why I’m even doing this.
Emily
I’ve had horrible experiences on all the other dating apps.
Dating Guru
I am different. I promise the best results.
Emily
Right, Guru. I’ve heard THAT before.
Dating Guru
My algorithm can identify a tendency toward SARCASM…
Dating Guru
And 1,542 other personality traits.
Dating Guru
It will find your ideal match.
Emily
Ha! Still, I’ll believe it when I see it. But I’ll give it a try, I guess.
Dating Guru
Let us proceed.
Dating Guru
But first, you must agree to all of the terms listed in our settings.
Emily
Why do I have to agree to a bunch of terms first?
Emily
Can’t we just get started?
Dating Guru
My algorithm can also identify skepticism and impatience as personality traits.
Emily
Touché, Guru. Okay, I agree.
Dating Guru
Please place your biometric fingerprint on your phone.
Dating Guru
This indicates your agreement.
Emily places her finger on her phone, which emits a loud beeping noise.
Dating Guru
Thank you. I now have instructions for your first date.
Emily
It’s about time. Now who is my date?
Dating Guru
Please see the terms, Emily.
Dating Guru
You will not know anything about your date until you arrive at the location.
Emily
But how will I know if I have anything in common with him?
Emily
Or if I’m attracted to him?
Dating Guru
My database includes brain uploads from the world’s greatest matchmakers.
Dating Guru
You must trust Guru.
Dating Guru
Or pay the penalty.
Dating Guru
Our penalties are listed in the terms.
Emily
Wow. I should have read the terms.
Emily
And asked my father’s lawyer go over them.
Emily
But I guess it’s too late now.
Dating Guru
In two hours, please go to the brick house across from the History Museum.
Dating Guru
Go directly inside, and proceed from there.
Emily
Okay. Will my date be there too?
Dating Guru
Please see the terms, Emily.
Emily
Let me guess. You’re not allowed to tell me that.
Dating Guru
That is correct. Guru knows best.
Two hours later, Emily enters the house across from the History Museum.
A young man is already sitting in a chair.
He must be her date. He gets up and gives Emily a quick hug.
The two of them step back and eye each other warily.
Travis is nothing like Emily’s usual type.
He has dark unruly hair and a layer of stubble on his chin.
He’s wearing a biker jacket and faded jeans.
By contrast, Emily’s salon-blonde hair is in a neat bun.
She’s wearing a pink cashmere sweater and a black skirt.
Travis gives Emily a searching look, and she can’t tell—
Does he approve or disapprove of her appearance?
Emily swallows, and straightens her skirt.
They look around the room.
It looks like someone’s study from the 19th century.
Its walls are lined with old books.
There is a mahogany armoire in one corner and a large desk in the other.
Travis
Not sure…but you know what I think this might be?
Travis
I did one once. They’re fun.
Travis
You have to work together to get out of the room.
Emily
An escape room? Aren’t those for, like, twelve-year-olds?
Emily
I was expecting something a little more sophisticated than this for a date.
Emily
I’m going to ask for my money back.
Travis
Good luck with that. The app is free.
Travis
Listen, we’re here and we promised to finish.
Travis
I think we’d better get started.
Travis
But I wonder what the time limit is.
Travis
Yeah, in the escape room I did, you had 90 minutes to finish.
Travis
Or else you failed the challenge.
Travis
Do you see anything that tells us what our deadline is?
Travis
We should know what our deadline is. I’m going to text Guru.
Travis pulls his phone out of his pocket.
Travis
Guru, what is our deadline for this challenge?
Dating Guru
You must stay until you complete the challenge.
Travis
But what if we can’t finish tonight?
Dating Guru
You must stay.
Travis shows Emily the messages on his phone.
Emily
Wait, is it saying we have to stay OVERNIGHT if we can’t finish?
Travis
I think so. This definitely isn’t like any other escape room I’ve heard of.
Emily
This is ridiculous. I can’t spend the night with a stranger!
Emily gets up to leave, but the front door is locked.
She POUNDS on the door, but nothing happens.
There is no other exit that she can see.
Emily
That does it. I’m texting my father.
But it doesn’t go through.
She tries her mother and her sister.
Those don’t go through either.
Travis looks over her shoulder.
Travis
Guru must have cut off all communication somehow.
Emily
That’s outrageous! I’m going to text Guru.
Emily takes out her phone.
Emily
Guru, I want to end this challenge now.
Dating Guru
Then you must pay the $5,000 fine as specified in the terms.
Dating Guru
Please see the terms.
Dating Guru
It is a biometrically binding contract.
Emily
Fine! I’ll send the money over Venmo.
Dating Guru
And Travis must also pay $5,000.
Emily
It says we both need to pay $5,000 to end the challenge.
Emily
I assume you agree.
Travis
No, I do NOT agree.
Travis
I can’t afford to pay that kind of money.
Emily’s eyes sweep over Travis’s threadbare clothes.
Emily
Oh. In that case, I’ll pay both of our fines.
Emily
I can afford it. Really.
Emily
I just want to get out of here!
Travis
I’m not taking your money.
Travis
I don’t want your money, and I refuse to take it.
Travis
Let’s just finish the challenge. Come on, it’ll be fun!
Travis
Then neither of us has to pay ANY money.
Emily looks at Travis in amazement.
Emily
Okay, if you say so.
Travis beams. He scans the room.
He gazes at the mahogany closet.
Then he opens it and pulls out…an old-style cash register.
Travis
I actually used something like this when I was a kid.
Travis
Yeah, my parents ran a little neighborhood market.
Travis
I used to help them out on afternoons and weekends.
Travis
But that was before—
Travis
Before the store went out of business. I was 17.
Emily
And then what did they do?
Travis
Oh, they managed. We managed.
Travis
But it wasn’t easy. I supported them for a while.
Travis takes the cash register out of the closet and places it on the desk.
Emily and Travis both stare at it for a while.
Travis
But let’s see if anything is in the desk.
Travis opens the drawer under the desk and pulls out three items:
A book, a box of push pins, and a corkscrew.
They all have bright yellow price stickers on them:
The price of the book is $12, the push pins are $9, and the corkscrew is $23.
Travis
I think I know what to do!
Emily
Well I’m glad you do, because I sure don’t.
Travis enters the prices on the labels into the cash register.
The number 44 appears on the register and the bottom drawer opens with a clang to reveal…
Travis hands the book and the push pins to Emily.
He puts the corkscrew in his back pocket.
Travis
I saw a keyhole in the back of the closet!
Travis
This must be the key for that.
He enters the closet and after a brief pause calls out to Emily.
Travis
There’s another room through the back of the closet.
Travis
Come on! Let’s go!
Emily clutches the items that Travis has given her.
She follows him through the closet and into the next room, trying not to show how excited she is.
The next room is almost empty…
Except for a huge map of Philadelphia.
Travis and Emily gaze at the map.
Travis
What are we supposed to do?
Emily paces around the room for several minutes.
She stares at the book that is still in her hand. The title is “Perfect Chemistry.”
She rifles through it and finds an address label on the inside cover.
Printed on the label is a poem.
Emily reads the poem aloud several times.
Though the streets where you live
Emily
Wait! I have an idea.
Emily
What if I put a push pin where I live on this map?
Emily
I’m going to try it.
Travis looks on as Emily places a push pin on the map.
Then he raises an eyebrow.
Travis
Ahh. I see you’re in the ritzy part of town. That makes sense.
Travis
I don’t think they’d even let someone like me through the gates there.
Travis
What kind of job do you have that you can afford a place like that?
Emily
I’m…in between jobs at the moment.
Emily
Taking a break after Harvard.
Travis
Oh, I get it. Family money.
Travis
What’s your last name, anyway?
Travis
Of Bernhardt Industries?
Travis
You don’t have to answer. Must be, if you live on Delancey Street.
Travis
No wonder you thought Daddy could get you out of here.
Emily
Shut up! Just put a pin on your street.
Emily
I think that’s the solution.
Travis takes a pin and moves his hand toward a street far away from Emily’s.
Emily
Hmmmm. That’s a rough area.
Travis
Yeah, well, it’s home to me.
Travis
And it’s all I can afford at the moment anyway.
Travis
Until I can get my business off the ground.
Emily
Oh? What kind of business?
Travis
It’s OkCupid for animals.
Travis
It’s an app that matches people with the best pets for their living situation and personality.
Travis
I decided to skip college and work full time on that.
Emily
That’s a great idea!
Travis looks at Emily closely, and then cracks a huge smile.
It’s wide and warm, and sends heat to Emily’s cheeks.
Emily
I love animals. I have a big old mutt from the shelter myself.
Travis
I have a big old mutt too.
Travis
Maybe…they could meet sometime.
Emily
I’m not sure. We’re pretty far away from each other.
Travis
In more ways than one.
Travis
Anyway, let’s get out of here first.
Travis
I hope this works.
He pierces the map with his push pin.
At that, a green light begins flashing to the right of the map.
Emily
Look — there’s a button underneath the light!
The map scrolls upward on its own, all the way to the ceiling…to reveal a door.
Emily
Well, what are you waiting for?
Travis pushes on the door.
Emily takes it and they walk into the room together.
The room is dimly lit by a single bulb in the ceiling.
And there are three paintings on the wall.
The first painting is of a fox.
The second painting is of a fish.
The third painting is of a violin.
Travis and Emily gaze at the paintings for several minutes.
They pace around the room, looking at the paintings…
And stealing glances at each other.
Emily
What do you make of it, Travis?
Travis
Well, the first picture is definitely of a fox.
Travis
And the second picture is of some kind of fish.
Emily
Right…I’m pretty sure it’s a trout.
Travis
Nice! Wait…what’s that in the lower right corner of the painting?
Emily looks up close at the painting.
Emily
It’s a U with a minus sign in front of it!
Travis
And then a trout minus a U.
Emily scrunches up her forehead and thinks.
Emily
Together…that’s FOXTROT!
Travis
And this painting of the violin…
Intuitively, Emily lifts the painting off the wall.
There is a button on the wall.
She presses it, and the room swells with ballroom music.
Emily
I get it. We need to dance the foxtrot.
Emily
I love the foxtrot!
Travis
That makes sense. Did you learn it at the country club?
Emily blushes. Now she kind of likes that Travis is teasing her.
Travis
Well, I’m not sure how this next step is going to work.
Travis
I hate dancing. I have two left feet.
Emily
Come on, I’ll teach you.
She grabs him by the shoulders and begins teaching him the steps.
He falls into step with her and after a few minutes…
They begin dancing effortlessly to the music.
Emily
Can I make a confession?
Emily
I’ve always been afraid that the men I date are only interested in me for my money.
Emily
It meant a lot to me that you didn’t let me pay the fine.
Travis
And it meant a lot to ME that you were willing to stick this out.
Emily
I have to admit, when I first met you, I didn’t see how this could work.
Travis
And I thought the same.
Emily
But we kind of complement each other, don’t we?
Emily
You have a business brain. I admire that.
Travis
And you’re so intuitive. I wish I could be like you.
Emily
I guess Dating Guru knew what he was doing after all.
At this, both of their phones emit small, trumpet-like beeps.
But Emily and Travis don’t even notice.
They’re too wrapped up in the music…and each other.
The music ends and there’s a heavy silence.
And then they lean in for a deep, soulful kiss.
Suddenly, a door to their left opens. They walk through it.
They see a table with candles and wine. It’s set for two.
A door with an EXIT sign is just beyond the table.
Travis takes the corkscrew out of his back pocket.
Travis
Good thing I pocketed this, huh?
He sets it on the table and looks questioningly at Emily.
A text then comes through to both of them.
Dating Guru
You have completed the challenge.
Dating Guru
Since the best results have been achieved, you may now leave.
But Travis and Emily both sit down.
They stare into each other’s eyes.
Emily
Now that I CAN leave?
Emily
I don’t want to anymore.
