Alexander
Goddamn it, Elizabeth. Answer your phone.
Elizabeth
I'm not coming back, Alexander. Leave me alone.
Alexander
Why do you do this, my love? Did I not make you happy? Did I not give you everything your heart desired?
Alexander
What have I done to deserve such contempt from you?
Alexander
I treated you like a queen! I gave you a palace!
Elizabeth
If by palace, you mean that dank stone monstrosity in the middle of nowhere, then yes.
Alexander
What was wrong with it?
Elizabeth
I wanted to live someplace classy! Paris. Or New York.
Alexander
Are you a fool? Have you any idea how much real estate in Manhattan costs?
Elizabeth
See, that's another thing. You never understand what I say.
Alexander
Do you mean your charming modern vernacular? Is it not more important that I understand your heart?
Elizabeth
My heart wanted cable TV. Even Netflix would have been fine.
Alexander
You know the cable company said they would "hook us up" as soon as they had coverage in our area.
Elizabeth
They said to wait five years! I already missed an entire season of The Real First Wives of Las Vegas.
Elizabeth
Ough. I don't know why I'm still even talking to you.
Elizabeth
I want a divorce.
Alexander
Out of the question! The Bolhovskies do not have divorce. Not in five hundred years.
Elizabeth
Yeah, well, no wonder everyone in those portraits in the family hall looked so pissed.
Alexander
Oh that. I think that was more because they had to sit for their portrait for eight hours without using the facilities.
Elizabeth
I'm glad you reminded me I don't need to sit for that sleazy artist this weekend. Eight hours! I'll go nuts.
Elizabeth
Have you not heard of cameras?
Alexander
I will not have a selfie hung beside Great Uncle Andrei’s painting.
Elizabeth
That guy with the bloody sword? Overcompensating much?
Alexander
What do you mean.
Elizabeth
Never mind. I’m done. Adios. Do svidaniya.
Alexander
I insist you return to me at once.
Elizabeth
I’m not a Fedex package.
Alexander
Please, my little kutia.
Alexander
My sweet sushki.
Elizabeth
Oh no you don’t. None of that sweet talk from you, mister.
Alexander
Your Prince would like to once more ride his beautiful royal steed.
Alexander
Let him ravage your fields again, my little pirozhok.
Elizabeth
Stop reminding me how bad you are at sex talk.
Alexander
What is wrong with it? My father the late Prince taught them to me himself.
Elizabeth
Gross. Vasily would never call my lady parts a field.
Alexander
VASILY?? Ty che, blyad? The stable boy?
Elizabeth
Damn right. He rides THIS steed now.
Alexander
Vasily Borisovich! That traitor! I should have known.
Alexander
You were spending too much time with the horses.
Elizabeth
Anything was better than having to sit through another lunch with you.
Elizabeth
Droning on and on about the ungrateful peasants and their revolution and ough nobody cares. That happened a million years ago.
Alexander
My great-great-great-great uncle died in that revolution!
Alexander
He was a prince and they stabbed him with a pitchfork.
Elizabeth
Was he boring like you? I don’t blame the peasants.
Alexander
I will strangle that boy Vasily. Ungrateful son of a šliucha.
Elizabeth
You will do no such thing. I love him.
Elizabeth
We’ve been here two days and he’s already gotten us cable.
Alexander
And where, may I ask, are you getting the money to pay for this cable?
Elizabeth
I hocked my ring. The one with the rubies.
Alexander
My babushka’s engagement ring? How could you, my love?
Alexander
That was priceless!
Elizabeth
Oh no. That was worth a cool ten grand.
Alexander
That was an antique heirloom worth fifty times that!
Alexander
What other gifts from me have you squandered on meaningless purchases?
Elizabeth
What are you calling meaningless? I can watch reruns of the Kardashians now.
Alexander
Our wedding ring? It was handed down through five generations.
Alexander
Please say you still have it.
Elizabeth
No. But I do have a condo with a pool now.
Alexander
Ka'kovo 'hooya??? You know Vasily does not love you. He merely wants to escape his fate as a servant.
Alexander
When I get my hands on him, he will regret the day he was born.
Elizabeth
Leave us alone, Alexander. We’re happy.
Alexander
I will burn down every city until I find you.
Elizabeth
Hah. You will never find us.
Alexander
I’m on my way to you now, my pastila.
Elizabeth
What? You don’t know where I am.
Alexander
South Beach. Florida.
Elizabeth
Vas, baby. Come home. We need to leave.
Vasily
What? Why? I am expecting a care package from mamasha.
Elizabeth
My idiot husband is on his way here to strangle you.
Elizabeth
Wait, what do mean you’re expecting a package?
Elizabeth
Did you tell your mother where we are?
Vasily
Of course, baby. She was worried.
Elizabeth
Damnit, Vas. I told you not to tell anyone.
Elizabeth
Now Alexander knows. Why did you tell your mother? Everyone knows she has a big mouth.
Vasily
Please do not insult my mamasha. She just knitted you a sweater.
Elizabeth
We’re in South Beach, you stupid farm boy. What the hell do I need a sweater for.
Vasily
She has arthritis. Why can you not appreciate the effort she put into that sweater?
Elizabeth
I bet it’s as ugly as that shawl she made me.
Vasily
Why do I suspect it was not trampled on by your horse as you claimed?
Elizabeth
Yeah. I burned it. It was ugly. And blue. Everyone knows I’m a summer.
Vasily
You are a lazy, ungrateful woman is what you are. My mother was right.
Elizabeth
What did that old crone say about me?
Vasily
You are a spoiled girl who cannot cook and does not deserve a husband.
Elizabeth
The nerve! What does cooking have to do with marriage?
Vasily
She says a woman who doesn’t cook is more useless than a dog.
Elizabeth
I can’t believe I just left my rich husband for a mama’s boy.
Vasily
I love my mamasha. She said she had me after twelve hours of labor.
Vasily
You do nothing but watch TV all day.
Elizabeth
Whatever. I’m leaving without you.
Elizabeth
I hope Alexander finds you and whips your mama’s boy ass.
Vasily
Do you think he’ll take me back to work in the palace? They tell me I can’t work here because I have no green card.
