Grace
Mom! Real quick question.
Grace
Can you transfer $400 to my bank account?
Grace
Ok thanks! xoxo to you and daddy!!
Mom
Whoa! What do you need $400 for?
Mom
What’s wrong? Are you hurt?
Grace
No, mom, I’m just fine! Just please send me the money now. I need it fast.
Mom
Okay, now you’re scaring me.
Grace
MOM!! Quit it! I’m just fine. I just need this money now. I’ll tell you later what’s going on.
Mom
Sweetheart, if you’re in jail or something, just please tell me.
Grace
They take your phone away from you in jail
Mom
Then how did you get one? Did you have to have...relations with someone?
Grace
Relations?! Mom, I am not in jail!
Mom
Then why do you need $400? OMG is this ransom money? Have you been kidnapped?
Grace
What kind of kidnapper only asks for $400?!
Mom
I’m getting your father. We’ll get you out of there Gracie!!
Mom
Has he got you in a basement somewhere? Just text 1 for yes and 2 for no. That’ll be our secret code.
Grace
Geez, mom. How much Law & Order SVU have you been watching since I left for college?
Mom
We’ll come the second Dad’s golf game is done.
Grace
It’s nice to know my parents will literally wait for a golf game to finish before rescuing their kidnapped daughter.
Mom
So you have been kidnapped! Dale, we have to go now!!
Mom
Are you comfortable? Is it damp in the basement? Is he giving you any food to eat?
Grace
Oh fer chrissakes, mom!! I HAVE NOT BEEN KIDNAPPED!!
Dad
What’s this your mom’s saying about you needing $400?
Grace
Shit, now both of you?!
Dad
Watch your language, young lady!
Grace
I just need $400! Can you guys cut me some slack?
Dad
Are you pregnant? Did that loser Jake knock you up?
Mom
My god, Gracie! I told you to be careful!
Mom
I can’t watch what you’re doing everyday in college. Didn’t we talk about protection?
Mom
Didn’t I take you down to the gynecologist in high school to put you on the pill?
Dad
She’s been on birth control since high school? Why on earth would you do that??
Mom
Either that or she gets pregnant!
Dad
Just do what I did and tell her to keep her legs closed!
Mom
Some good that did considering she’s pregnant now!
Grace
I’m not pregnant!! I just need $400!
Mom
You’re being so mysterious honey. What do you need $400 for?
Grace
I can’t tell you now, but it’ll be clear really soon.
Mom
Is it for some cosmetic procedure? Because I was just kidding when I made that comment about your nose being too big.
Mom
And you’re not in trouble?
Dad
Of course she’s in trouble! What 20 year old asks for $400 unless they’re in trouble?
Grace
Okay, fine. I got kidnapped. I need $400 or else this guy is going to break my knees.
Mom
I knew it! See, Dale? I told you Gracie was kidnapped.
Dad
I won’t give him the money.
Grace
Dad! He needs $400 or else my knees will be broken! It’s just $400!
Dad
I will not negotiate with terrorists!
Grace
Dad, please, come on! Just transfer the money to my bank account and he’ll leave me alone.
Dad
How do I know he won’t ask for more?
Grace
You aren’t willing to pay more?
Dad
I paid thousands for those knees to take ballet lessons, and what have you done with that, huh?
Grace
Dad! Now isn’t the time!
Dad
I will not give in! Who’s to say when he will stop asking for money?
Grace
Seriously? It’s $400 in exchange for the safe return of your daughter!
Grace
Fine, I will tell him, and he’ll be pissed. I hope it’s ONLY my knees he’s planning on breaking…
Grace
He’s got this crazed look in his eyes!
Mom
Dale!! We have to go help her!
Dad
Fine, fine! I will give him the $400, but if he wants the money, he has to meet me himself.
Grace
Dad, he looks even angrier...
Grace
Dad!! I don’t know what this guy is capable of, but he’s screaming now!!
Dad
You tell him he can scream at me when I see him in two hours.
Mom
Dale, are you sure this is a good idea? Shouldn't we just do what he wants?
Grace
Dad, I'm scared. Are you driving up now with the money?
Mom
We’re in the car now! We will figure out a drop location and get back to you.
Mom
I really love these cop shows.
Grace
Okay, the guy said he’ll meet you. Where?
Dad
Tell him to meet me at the corner of 8th and Oaktree
Grace
That's a terrible neighborhood!
Dad
That's where things like this go down
Grace
My parents are officially insane.
Dad
Okay, I'm walking to the corner of the intersection.
Dad
I'm next to the trash can. I think I see him! Guy with gray hoodie?
Grace
Probably. Short-ish? Kind of pigeon toed?
Dad
Yes! Wow, he’s smaller than I thought. I’m just gonna go up and hit him.
Grace
Dad, are you trying to get yourself killed?!
Dad
There’s no way he can beat me. The guy is tiny.
Mom
Oh Grace this guy is a little elf. Your dad can take 10 of him.
Grace
What if he has a gun???
Mom
Your dad could wrestle it away from him, he's the size of a child.
Dad
Yeah, and he's trying to look tough, but he just looks moronic. Hah! I'm gonna have fun messing with Tom Thumb.
Mom
Good one, Dale! You get this Lilliputian!
Grace
He's not that small! And what he lacks in size he makes up for in personality!
Dad
Why are you defending him?!
Dad
Wait, he just said “Give me the money, Mr. Gallagher.” Like he knew me.
Dad
I'm gonna run after him.
Grace
Don't dad! He'll kill you!
Dad
I can crush him with one finger.
Dad
It's that loser Jake!
Mom
What's going on here Grace!
Grace
Just let him go, dad.
Dad
You'd better explain yourself! Right now!
Dad
Surprise? I'm surprised I have such a crazy daughter.
Grace
I just needed money for mom's bday present. Mother daughter spa day!
Grace
What?! You can’t arrest Jake. I love him!
Mom
This is turning out to be a pretty great birthday present after all.
Dad
Felony kidnapping charges alone will send him away for years.
Mom
Happy birthday to me!
