Uber
Your Uber is on the way. Carmen (4.5 stars) will arrive in 4 minutes.
Trump
4.5? Carmen, when I'm president, I will get your rating up just like I will get America's rating up.
Uber
I'm sorry, sir. This is not actually Carmen. This is a just an alert for your Uber's arrival.
Trump
Right, but Carmen, your 4.5 rating is terrible. Awful. And it signals a failure of the American economy.
Uber
I don't think you understand, I'm not actually Carmen.
Trump
Listen to me, Carmen. I am totally filthy rich. I am worth billions. I own hotels. Casinos.
Trump
I’m building a space station hotel casino. I have gold bathrooms.
Trump
I'm not saying all this to brag, but I paid out more just in divorce settlements than most people will ever see in their lifetime.
Trump
Again, I don't mean to brag, but I also have a plane, and I can tell you that Air Force One is a piece of garbage.
Trump
My first order as President would be to sell that flying pile of trash.
Uber
What does your wealth have to do with the American economy?
Trump
Carmen, it means I know how to put Americans to work. I mean real Americans, not those Mexican criminals or Syrian refugees who cross our borders.
Uber
Isn't your wife an immigrant?
Trump
Carmen, my wife is a hot immigrant. As president I would fast track citizen status to any illegal immigrant who is hot.
Trump
We need to make America an international superpower again.
Uber
A superpower of hot people?
Trump
Exactly. Image is everything. Everything. You can't underestimate its importance. Have you seen the Trump crest, Carmen?
Uber
I don't think so. I'm not Carmen.
Trump
Carmen, I'm saying we need an American crest. A symbol of our country.
Uber
Um, we've got a symbol. It's called the American flag.
Trump
Carmen, every single country has a flag. China, Mexico. These countries with flags are beating us.
Trump
Those horrible ISIS people have a flag, I think. I read that somewhere.
Trump
America needs a crest when we go out and battle ISIS.
Uber
What should be on the crest?
Trump
I think we need to see what the American people want, but I think a gun is a great symbol of our country. A steak. A voluptuous woman.
Uber
Sounds like a mud flap on a truck.
Trump
Sure, Carmen. I have a truck. With mud flaps. I have 10 trucks. But we need a strong symbol to battle ISIS. ISIS is bad news. They're. Just. Bad. News.
Trump
My campaign manager told me I should emphasize every word in a sentence to get my point across. It makes me sound more forceful and powerful.
Trump
Forceful. And. Powerful.
Uber
It makes you sound more something, that's for sure.
Trump
Look, I'm not even sure why I called an Uber. I have 43 drivers. And 15 Rolls Royces.
Uber
More drivers than cars? But you're not bragging.
Trump
Exactly, Carmen. I'm totally not bragging. I'm friends with everyone. Everyone I meet always likes me. I work with people in China and Mexico.
Trump
And they love me over there. I would be the best global ambassador for America.
Uber
I'm sure Mexicans would love you even more after that wall you want to build, right?
Trump
It would be an engineering marvel they would admire. But could never ever climb over.
Uber
And how would we pay for this wall?
Trump
Carmen, I have a tax plan that would save us so much money, and still bring in so much revenue, and increase our GDP, GNP, and maybe even our NRA and HDL by 2, 6, or 12 percent. I don't remember which one.
Uber
Do you even know how taxes work? Or cholesterol?
Trump
I'm a successful American businessman, Carmen.
Trump
I have personally hired tons of smart people to run my businesses for me, including my own daughter, who's really hot.
Trump
She's a tremendous girl, my daughter.
Trump
Our veterans are tremendous too, and we treat them like dirt. Like dirt.
Trump
Yes, exactly, Carmen. They're wounded and come back, and we can't even take care of them? What a disgrace!
Uber
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with you, Mr. Trump.
Trump
I'm hearing that exact statement more and more from Americans. Do you agree we need to make America great again?
Trump
Do you agree we need to take control of our economy and be a bigger international player?
Uber
Yeah, that sounds fair to me.
Trump
And do you think jobs for Americans should be a priority?
Trump
Then you and I are on the same page, Carmen.
Trump
Anything else you'd like to say, Carmen?
Uber
Donald, your Uber is arriving now.
